Sometimes I feel the need to write...desperately. This is one of those times. And despite having four children awake...that will undoubtedly find that I am the one to solve some sort of issue...I am going to soldier on.
What is this about? Renaming. Identity. Again...I come back to identity. My aunt sent a photo album where she had compiled photos of her mom and dad...her brothers and sister...some, of family members I have never met. I looked through it yesterday, recognizing a lot of the images...but not all. Smiling to myself at the connection to the past.
Until.
I got towards the back of the album and came across a more recent picture of my mother. And I gasped. Can you imagine finding yourself gasping at the image of the woman that bore you? You probably can't. I felt shame. And guilt. I felt pity. I felt grief. I felt tears. I feel tears. I lingered and moved on.
Moving on is what I do best. I seem to have a knack for it...cultivated by the necessities of life.
Later, Iris flipped through the pictures...happy to find a picture of herself. When she paused and looked at me with animated horror I knew where she was. "This is a scary picture", said my four year old daughter. There is no filter there yet. She was reacting. So I had to explain who this person was, "That is my mom...from California...she has lived a tough life." That has become the byline of that photo. The boys have seen some photos of her before, and I think vaguely remember what she looks like. Still, Josiah stopped there as well. Wondering aloud why she looked so different...the comparison is hard to escape when you can see someone at age four...young and new...and then older, after a life filled with loss and homelessness.
As Josiah and I looked through the album he noticed the name. Kenna. He knows her as Marilyn. I have always wondered about this name change...and even smirked a bit to myself. Tonight...it made me sad. I remembered all the names I have gone by. Harman or Harmon...I didn't even know which was the correct spelling. Krienke. Vincelli. Negaard.Then married into the ever enduring Smith name. And in all those names where was I? Who was I? What is a name?
Identity.
A name is everything and nothing. For my mom, a woman with few choices in her life. She chose the name Marilyn. Perhaps I will never know the reason she dislikes her given name, Kenna...maybe it really is because she thinks it sounds masculine. She told me she likes the name Marilyn because it is feminine. Why shouldn't she get this one thing in life? Something beautiful in an otherwise tragic life.
This family. If you could see the faces of these people...smiling. You wouldn't know. So I tell my children the story of these people...and it is a sad one. "This is the uncle I met in California...their mother left him with a family and never told anyone where he was...he found us all a few years ago." and "This is my mom's mother...my grandmother...she left them"...and hearing Iris pipe up, "You would never do that".
No, I wouldn't.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Responsibility
Women living today have a lot to live up to. I am sure the same could be said about men...but I am not one...and this is my blog. I hit a wall last week. Not intellectually, just physically and emotionally. I have had years of poor sleep...I want to sleep through the night and am tired. This makes me grumpy and makes getting to everything I need to get to seem hopeless.
As my children get older I realize the overwhelming responsibility we bear to lead them safely through to adulthood. I think this makes me tired. When they were little adulthood seemed a lifetime away...but then Josiah turned ten. I realized Josiah has one more year of elementary school left and then will be in middle school. What happened? And more importantly...am I ready for the next part of being a parent.
Some things I have realized that will come up soon are:
1) Puberty...enough said.
2) Education. I don't feel that education was considered important in my birth or adoptive families. Looking at the way some in my family have to live is scary to me and places an extra emphasis in my own mind on the need of my children to be not only well educated...but able to make good choices for themselves. To learn from mistakes and to be able to move on. I have come a long way from the days of reading and dreaming of unschooling...perhaps visiting my mother in California a couple of summers ago opened my eyes to what life can be like. I have started to go with my own gut...George W. style. If an educational style sounds too good to be true...it is. Jon and I have discussed how we want to address their education and ways that we can encourage them to excel. I want them to know that the habits they form now will serve them for many years to come...and most importantly I want them to feel success in order to bolster their own belief in themselves and their own capabilities. I am not sure if I know exactly how to approach this because I am sure there is a fine line between being a bitch of a mother and being encouraging. We know of families where education just seems to be expected...how do we do that? To add to this...how do I encourage my daughters who are still young to trust their own intelligence. Growing up I felt stupid. I wasn't good at the things the smart kids were good at so I spent a lot of time feeling insignificant and unable to accomplish my own goals in life. Jon's belief in me enabled me to go on and receive a college degree. Before that point I attended college because I had a vague idea that this would benefit me...but didn't know if I was smart enough. That self defeating talk stunted me for years.
3) Navigating the World. Jon and I watched a show the other night on huffing aerosol cans...like oven cleaner. I was horrified and thought...what the fuck? I am not sure a more vanilla word could explain how appalled I felt to learn that kids do this! I think I may need to make a list titled, "Stupid things not to do", and at the top of the list write, "Huffing". Realizing the boys are getting older and will be moving towards independence scares me. My birth family is a car wreck of bad decisions, heartbreak and alcoholism. I see mental illness...homelessness...and then I look at my children and wonder if that could be in their future.
So what do we do with this list. We map out the way we teach them...we take this seriously...prayers that know no words.
Don't let anyone tell you being a parent is easy.
As my children get older I realize the overwhelming responsibility we bear to lead them safely through to adulthood. I think this makes me tired. When they were little adulthood seemed a lifetime away...but then Josiah turned ten. I realized Josiah has one more year of elementary school left and then will be in middle school. What happened? And more importantly...am I ready for the next part of being a parent.
Some things I have realized that will come up soon are:
1) Puberty...enough said.
2) Education. I don't feel that education was considered important in my birth or adoptive families. Looking at the way some in my family have to live is scary to me and places an extra emphasis in my own mind on the need of my children to be not only well educated...but able to make good choices for themselves. To learn from mistakes and to be able to move on. I have come a long way from the days of reading and dreaming of unschooling...perhaps visiting my mother in California a couple of summers ago opened my eyes to what life can be like. I have started to go with my own gut...George W. style. If an educational style sounds too good to be true...it is. Jon and I have discussed how we want to address their education and ways that we can encourage them to excel. I want them to know that the habits they form now will serve them for many years to come...and most importantly I want them to feel success in order to bolster their own belief in themselves and their own capabilities. I am not sure if I know exactly how to approach this because I am sure there is a fine line between being a bitch of a mother and being encouraging. We know of families where education just seems to be expected...how do we do that? To add to this...how do I encourage my daughters who are still young to trust their own intelligence. Growing up I felt stupid. I wasn't good at the things the smart kids were good at so I spent a lot of time feeling insignificant and unable to accomplish my own goals in life. Jon's belief in me enabled me to go on and receive a college degree. Before that point I attended college because I had a vague idea that this would benefit me...but didn't know if I was smart enough. That self defeating talk stunted me for years.
3) Navigating the World. Jon and I watched a show the other night on huffing aerosol cans...like oven cleaner. I was horrified and thought...what the fuck? I am not sure a more vanilla word could explain how appalled I felt to learn that kids do this! I think I may need to make a list titled, "Stupid things not to do", and at the top of the list write, "Huffing". Realizing the boys are getting older and will be moving towards independence scares me. My birth family is a car wreck of bad decisions, heartbreak and alcoholism. I see mental illness...homelessness...and then I look at my children and wonder if that could be in their future.
So what do we do with this list. We map out the way we teach them...we take this seriously...prayers that know no words.
Don't let anyone tell you being a parent is easy.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Incognito
Talking to a friend yesterday she told me a story that was unbelievable. I will call her Miss Incognito...not really to protect her but to protect her half-sister and others involved in the story. We'll call Miss Incognito's sister...Sarah...yeah that sounds good.
Sarah was diagnosed 5 (???) years ago with a rare form of leukemia. She has been able to extend her life with daily medication...but a bone marrow transplant would be necessary for a cure. Sarah is an interesting woman. She has mental issues and can be quite unstable. Because of her cancer she lost one baby that was born at six months premature and has had other miscarriages.
Sarah decided to find her half siblings on her father's side (Miss Incognito and Sarah share a mother) in order to warn them that they could have this form of genetic leukemia. Sarah's sister...who will be called...Jane...was happy to be told. Unfortunately, three years ago, Jane's mother called Sarah to inform her that Jane had passed away due to this cancer. Sarah visited Jane's mother and saw the urn...Sarah was obviously sad for her sister and obviously scared for herself!
Recently Sarah happened upon her half brother on facebook and lo and behold...Jane had risen from the dead! No wait...scratch that...Jane's family had faked her own death so that Sarah would leave them alone. And on top of that Jane is perfectly healthy with a ten month old baby because their aunt had matching bone marrow that she donated to Jane. Got that? Sarah's family pretended her half-sister died...and are willing to let Sarah die rather then give her the necessary information on who the aunt is that donated her marrow.
Miss Incognito and I are realizing why Sarah has some of the issues she does.
Yes this story is true.
Sarah was diagnosed 5 (???) years ago with a rare form of leukemia. She has been able to extend her life with daily medication...but a bone marrow transplant would be necessary for a cure. Sarah is an interesting woman. She has mental issues and can be quite unstable. Because of her cancer she lost one baby that was born at six months premature and has had other miscarriages.
Sarah decided to find her half siblings on her father's side (Miss Incognito and Sarah share a mother) in order to warn them that they could have this form of genetic leukemia. Sarah's sister...who will be called...Jane...was happy to be told. Unfortunately, three years ago, Jane's mother called Sarah to inform her that Jane had passed away due to this cancer. Sarah visited Jane's mother and saw the urn...Sarah was obviously sad for her sister and obviously scared for herself!
Recently Sarah happened upon her half brother on facebook and lo and behold...Jane had risen from the dead! No wait...scratch that...Jane's family had faked her own death so that Sarah would leave them alone. And on top of that Jane is perfectly healthy with a ten month old baby because their aunt had matching bone marrow that she donated to Jane. Got that? Sarah's family pretended her half-sister died...and are willing to let Sarah die rather then give her the necessary information on who the aunt is that donated her marrow.
Miss Incognito and I are realizing why Sarah has some of the issues she does.
Yes this story is true.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
The Public Education Vultures are Circling
After reading about Tom Luna's education reform proposal I had to learn more about it. I have spent time reading about the bill and writing my various representatives including Mr. Luna. I told Mr. Luna that I did not want computers taking the place of living human beings...and he responded and told me that wasn't the case.
But that IS the case. The education department estimates as many as 1000 teachers could lose their jobs to pay for these flashy new computers put in the sweaty hands of ninth graders across the state. Loss of teachers aside, do I want my ninth graders to have free access to the web unsupervised? Uh...no. Does our district or any district have the funds to make repairs and updates to these laptops as well as maintaining a system at each school that can handle the traffic? At the meeting one parent pointed out that they don't even have high speed internet, they have dial-up. What about students in even more rural Idaho that don't have access...and yes, there are many students in that situation. The success rate for student's taking on-line courses at this age is not positive. Yet, Mr. Luna proposes that when my son goes into ninth grade he be handed a personal laptop that he can take home and that will be his after completing four years of high school (ever heard of outdated technology Mr. Luna?).
Mr. Luna also uses some downright deceptive math to show that the average class size will only go up to somewhere around 19 students per teacher. Huh? That is funny...some of my children already have 23-24 students in their classes. Some of the high school AP classes already have upwards of 32 students per teacher. Does he have any idea how long that it already takes those high school English teachers to grade papers? Mr. Luna counted all certified educators which would include PE teachers and speech therapists for examplel and then divided that by the number of students to get that number. He didn't count just the teachers...he also counted people that don't even teach the students to get that number low.
Mr. Luna says that my children be required to take six on-line courses to graduate from high school. I have taken on-line courses at the college level and found them very dry. I am all for options...all students learn differently. But do not try to pretend that a laptop shares any of the passion that teachers feel about their subjects with students. Students need to have the ability to engage in discussion about history and current events. Humans learn from each other...from debate and the introduction of new viewpoints.
These bills will introduce instability within districts as they minimize the ability of professionals...TEACHERS to make a living. I don't know why people expect teachers to change the world yet don't want to pay them. It is ridiculous that he is making it impossible for teachers that teach lower achieving students bonuses or wage increases. Does anyone really believe that the only reason some of these children are struggling is because of their teacher? There is so much more involved in a student's success then their teacher and punishing teachers for teaching children that have poor home lives, learning disabilities or working parents is insane. What other profession can you go to college...get a degree and then have people turn around and call you selfish for wanting to make more then $30,000 a year? My children have had great teacher's in Moscow...and as another woman pointed out we are fortunate to live in this district. Other districts have already closed their schools. Yes, you read that right. CLOSED their schools. Mr. Luna wants to do away with tenure...okay so lets see...increase class size to well over 30 and throw a new teacher in the mix. Because as someone pointed out...Wyoming pays their teachers on average $20,000 more a year...Idaho will become a revolving door for new teachers. I guess they actually think education is worth something there. In 2007 Idaho already ranked at 49th in the amount of money spent on education per pupil. Mr. Luna wants to cut that even more and buy new lap tops in the meantime? Insanity! What could have prompted this desire for new gadgets?
Money.
What I find most infuriating about his proposal is that he received campaign funding from K12 based in Virginia. Advertising from J.A. Albertson has been placed in papers around the state supporting Mr. Luna's reform... Thomas Wilson is chief executive officer and a director of the Kathryn Albertson Foundation and sits on the board of K12...a private corporation that is primed to make a killing if this reform is passed.(http://www.k12.com/about_k12/board_of_directors/) The Albertson name carries some weight around here...the UI business school is named the J.A. Albertson Building. Do people realize that those supporting this reform stand to profit directly from the introduction of on-line courses as graduation requirements?
So in Mr. Luna's viewpoint it would be better to pay teachers less...force out experienced teachers, take away any stability (and you know how many cars and homes sell when you don't know if you will have a job in two years) and send our public education funds out to Virginia instead of paying teachers in our own community.
Keep it local Luna...as a conservative you should get that. This is nothing but an attack on public education by those that think we should all home school our children or send them to charter schools. (both options that should be available)
If you are a parent/educator in Idaho please contact your senator, representatives, and Mr. Luna himself. He actually responded directly to me...but never responded again after I asked him why I should trust him when he clearly is in the pocket of the K12 Corp.
But that IS the case. The education department estimates as many as 1000 teachers could lose their jobs to pay for these flashy new computers put in the sweaty hands of ninth graders across the state. Loss of teachers aside, do I want my ninth graders to have free access to the web unsupervised? Uh...no. Does our district or any district have the funds to make repairs and updates to these laptops as well as maintaining a system at each school that can handle the traffic? At the meeting one parent pointed out that they don't even have high speed internet, they have dial-up. What about students in even more rural Idaho that don't have access...and yes, there are many students in that situation. The success rate for student's taking on-line courses at this age is not positive. Yet, Mr. Luna proposes that when my son goes into ninth grade he be handed a personal laptop that he can take home and that will be his after completing four years of high school (ever heard of outdated technology Mr. Luna?).
Mr. Luna also uses some downright deceptive math to show that the average class size will only go up to somewhere around 19 students per teacher. Huh? That is funny...some of my children already have 23-24 students in their classes. Some of the high school AP classes already have upwards of 32 students per teacher. Does he have any idea how long that it already takes those high school English teachers to grade papers? Mr. Luna counted all certified educators which would include PE teachers and speech therapists for examplel and then divided that by the number of students to get that number. He didn't count just the teachers...he also counted people that don't even teach the students to get that number low.
Mr. Luna says that my children be required to take six on-line courses to graduate from high school. I have taken on-line courses at the college level and found them very dry. I am all for options...all students learn differently. But do not try to pretend that a laptop shares any of the passion that teachers feel about their subjects with students. Students need to have the ability to engage in discussion about history and current events. Humans learn from each other...from debate and the introduction of new viewpoints.
These bills will introduce instability within districts as they minimize the ability of professionals...TEACHERS to make a living. I don't know why people expect teachers to change the world yet don't want to pay them. It is ridiculous that he is making it impossible for teachers that teach lower achieving students bonuses or wage increases. Does anyone really believe that the only reason some of these children are struggling is because of their teacher? There is so much more involved in a student's success then their teacher and punishing teachers for teaching children that have poor home lives, learning disabilities or working parents is insane. What other profession can you go to college...get a degree and then have people turn around and call you selfish for wanting to make more then $30,000 a year? My children have had great teacher's in Moscow...and as another woman pointed out we are fortunate to live in this district. Other districts have already closed their schools. Yes, you read that right. CLOSED their schools. Mr. Luna wants to do away with tenure...okay so lets see...increase class size to well over 30 and throw a new teacher in the mix. Because as someone pointed out...Wyoming pays their teachers on average $20,000 more a year...Idaho will become a revolving door for new teachers. I guess they actually think education is worth something there. In 2007 Idaho already ranked at 49th in the amount of money spent on education per pupil. Mr. Luna wants to cut that even more and buy new lap tops in the meantime? Insanity! What could have prompted this desire for new gadgets?
Money.
What I find most infuriating about his proposal is that he received campaign funding from K12 based in Virginia. Advertising from J.A. Albertson has been placed in papers around the state supporting Mr. Luna's reform... Thomas Wilson is chief executive officer and a director of the Kathryn Albertson Foundation and sits on the board of K12...a private corporation that is primed to make a killing if this reform is passed.(http://www.k12.com/about_k12/board_of_directors/) The Albertson name carries some weight around here...the UI business school is named the J.A. Albertson Building. Do people realize that those supporting this reform stand to profit directly from the introduction of on-line courses as graduation requirements?
So in Mr. Luna's viewpoint it would be better to pay teachers less...force out experienced teachers, take away any stability (and you know how many cars and homes sell when you don't know if you will have a job in two years) and send our public education funds out to Virginia instead of paying teachers in our own community.
Keep it local Luna...as a conservative you should get that. This is nothing but an attack on public education by those that think we should all home school our children or send them to charter schools. (both options that should be available)
If you are a parent/educator in Idaho please contact your senator, representatives, and Mr. Luna himself. He actually responded directly to me...but never responded again after I asked him why I should trust him when he clearly is in the pocket of the K12 Corp.
Neurosis 101: The Heather Files Part II
I started off the day feeling great and now feel really negative. A lot of this has to do with my own internal dialogues I have with myself. Again, I wish I could be a quieter person. I wish I didn't wear my feelings on my sleeve. I wish I didn't worry what others think of me. I wish I didn't feel things strongly.
For crying out loud. I am almost 34 years old! Is this normal? Feeling uncomfortable in your own skin? This seems to be a theme in my posts...my discomfort with myself. I almost feel like how I feel is inappropriate. I second guess a lot of what I say when I have conversations with others...and I chastise myself. At the same point I go out of my way to be thoughtful and present ideas in non-confrontational manners...I try. And when I feel like I am being judgmental...ah...the weight of the world.
For crying out loud. I am almost 34 years old! Is this normal? Feeling uncomfortable in your own skin? This seems to be a theme in my posts...my discomfort with myself. I almost feel like how I feel is inappropriate. I second guess a lot of what I say when I have conversations with others...and I chastise myself. At the same point I go out of my way to be thoughtful and present ideas in non-confrontational manners...I try. And when I feel like I am being judgmental...ah...the weight of the world.
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