Wednesday...you bastard

Lately, I have begun to hate Wednesdays. Two days out from Jon's one day off and two and a half days from our next day off.  On Wednesday everything seems worse...even if it isn't...even if it is...it gets worse. Maybe, it is how much Jon has been working...maybe it has been my anxiety regarding Iris and being tired...all rolled into one. I am so thankful that Jon is working, but I really wanted him to stay home today. Iris was awake most of the night and we took two shifts to be with her when her tummy was hurting. Part of me hoped this would ensure that I would have some adult company today.

Nope.

Oh well, that is part of being an adult.

I keep asking myself the what if question regarding Iris...what if her doctor's are not correct? I realized that I had the lingering fear and it came from remembering Jon's childhood friend Seth who went in for surgery to drain polyps and came out with most of his intestines gone and a diagnosis of colon cancer. He died six months later at age 25.  

Most of the time I am logical. But Wednesday has its own voodoo magic.

I almost censored my blog title because I know my mom is reading this...but really, Lorie...there is no better descriptive word for this Wednesday. haha.

I feel ridiculous complaining. But we all have to once in a while, even if what is going on in my life is so much smaller then in the lives of my friend's and family.

I need a vacation.

We love Osteoid Osteomas!

My stomach is now back down where it should be...out of my throat.

What a relief to hear that Iris has an Osteoid Osteoma. I mean...of course, it would be better if she had nothing...but she does. A benign tumor.

While I had known this was most likely the case...the anxiety was a killer.

What is the next plan? Well, I tried to call the doctor's office after Jon told me the official MRI results...but they closed at 3 pm! We have to get a referral from them to a doctor in Spokane that has more experience with Osteoids in this part of the leg and with larger ones, which Iris has. Unfortunately, they won't be able to do the simple procedure because of the size of the growth and will have to scoop it out and perform a bone graft.
This is where Jon said to me, "Don't google that". Apparently, this is still an outpatient procedure...something that will be scheduled either next week or the week following. Personally, I hope it isn't next week as next week is the last week of preschool for Iris...which she loves.

Big sigh of relief from this mama.

Holding on lightly

Sometimes you are reminded that when you have a lot, you have a lot to lose. Does that make sense? Every so often I have events in my life that rock my boat just a little too much for my liking. These usually end up being reminders of how little control I or we have in this life, and how scary that can be as a parent. This past year I have seen former high school classmates struggle with a variety of losses...two in particular...one losing a spouse unexpectedly and the other being diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. Oddly enough, I had had a conversation with the one about the other's diagnosis which led us to discuss how fragile human life is...then she lost her husband. It has been strange to think back on our conversation and then realize that that fragility visited her house not long after.

Last summer, Sevrin had really bad stomach pains and many, many symptoms of Crohn's disease. I was terrified. I have two cousins with Crohn's disease and know just how hard it has been for them. I Googled WAY too much and was convinced he had this illness. Even the doctor was concerned and a scope was arranged. Thankfully, he didn't have Crohn's...he had reflux. But the "what ifs" killed me.

So tomorrow my little Iris is having an MRI on her left leg to better diagnose what she has going on there. This time I have managed my fears and except for a brief moment yesterday where I felt I would be sick to my stomach have managed a low grade level of anxiety. Her x-rays on Monday showed some sort of abnormality on her femur...the doctor thinks it is an easily treatable benign tumor called an Osteoid Osteoma...and I hope he is right. I made the mistake of poking around on the internet yesterday and found that it also has similar symptoms to Osteosarcoma. This would be the point where I almost lost my lunch. I know that I probably won't hear something tomorrow...since it is Friday. I know that I have worried myself sick in the past and found nothing or been pleased to have a child diagnosed with a lesser illness.

What if?

I recognize that we don't always get to dodge the bullets of life. I know from experience and from seeing my friend's over the past year that bad things DO happen to good people. No, I don't believe it is God's will...I can imagine nothing crueler then telling a person it is God's will that they have cancer or they have lost a spouse or their child has cancer. Nothing worse then the platitude, "God doesn't give us more then we can handle". Because yes, God or life...or whatever is out there...can throw some speed balls.

So while chances are that Iris will have this benign tumor...it brings pause to me. What if she didn't have a benign tumor? People aren't born able to deal with those things. People talk in glowing terms about how well a person is dealing with x, y, z...they aren't doing well...they are just doing, just being.

Last night, I regretted loving so much a little bit.

It is official

Today, being Wednesday, April 13, 2011 I declare myself to officially be taking a vacation day. Not my poor husband of course. I, however, am going to sit around all afternoon...except for when chasing Isla around is necessary...and watch shows on-line. I will also cook pizza from Safeway and not require anyone to do any chores. Including myself.

Signed,

The Mother in Charge

Blah, blah, blah

While dropping Iris off at preschool this morning I had a train of thought that I wanted to write about and now it has completely escaped me. Apparently, I look as grumpy or tired as I feel...an old neighbor walked in and gave me a squeeze...I said, "Oh, Trent needs a hug", he said, "No, you need a hug." haha. Another person asked me if I was okay. I asked if I could go to preschool today. Crafts. Snacks. Books.

I guess I look grumpy. I don't know that I feel grumpy. I just feel tired. Have I said that already? Sometimes being an adult is tiring. I will take this sort of tired which comes from Jon being gone most of the time working rather then the worry of not having enough work that we had about a month ago. Still. Sometimes it is all overwhelming. This is the time of the year when we push the pedal to the medal and have to make our entire year's income during the next 7 or 8 months. Add to that Jon is still working 20 hours a week at the University of Idaho...uff da. That will only last until next month though and start again at the end of August. I am thankful for a husband that works so hard even if that includes digging in the mud and hauling gravel.

I have found myself again thinking of owning our own house again. Yet, I look at our student loans, with payments that equal a monthly mortgage and I feel it will never happen. It isn't that I believe a home is necessary for happiness. I just want that stability. I wish the owners of the house we are renting would just keep renting to us...but I have an inkling that she may in fact want to move back into it herself! This house has a lot  more space then their other house and is a much better location for children. Whatever happens, we can't afford to buy this or any other house at this point. I hate that I am already thinking of when this lease ends in October and hoping that they honor their agreement to allow us to sign another lease. I hate thinking of what if we can't find a rental in the same school zone as we are currently in, I don't want them to switch schools again.

So this post is not very creative, funny or as elevated as the thoughts that ran away from me this morning.

Today is Spring

Finally. Aside from a beautiful day several weeks ago, spring has been alluding the Palouse. Jon had to leave for work at 7:30 this morning so I had the chance to walk Lemon and the kids to school, and then the girls and I walked to Co-op Kids which was meeting at Friendship Square. I had nearly talked myself into skipping our usual Tuesday outing but am glad I didn't. I ran into four or five people I hadn't seen for a while at the Food Co-op, caught up, cooed over cute babies and redeemed my free coffee before beating feet over to Friendship Square. I had a good time chatting with other moms and hearing about what is going on in others lives in my community. This is what I love about Moscow.

There is a community and it is here.

Last night my neighbor across the street Allison brought over some Taco Salad...unfortunately, we had already eaten but Jon devoured it after work. I love knowing the people I live near. I love that she brought something over to us. I still owe her for the paprika I borrowed a while ago, which started a conversation with us wondering what paprika was really doing for my recipe anyway? Paprika...confusing...yet alluring. Is it the color? We don't know. I was a little embarrassed at the mess my house was in...Jon was at work, dinner dishes were piled next to the sink and the kids were spread out doing homework. Have I mentioned they clean businesses professionally for a living? And her house is SPOTLESS?

I am picking the kids up from school early to go to a dentist appointment at 1 pm for the four older kids. Maybe we will go to a park afterwards, since it looks like it will be warm enough.

Iris has an appointment scheduled next Monday with the Orthopedic Surgeon and I am successfully muffling any unspoken fears I have with the knowledge that it is highly unlikely to be the C-word...but still...you know. Being a parent is scary.

An old high school friend of mine, Jessica Webster, has entered the hospital today for what will hopefully be the end of her battle with an aggressive form of cancer that was caught last August. Today she begins heavy, heavy cancer crushing doses of chemotherapy for one last time before she undergoes a bone marrow transplant. All of this will take place for the next three weeks.

I wish I had something more to say...because when I am done blogging I have to go do dishes.

Kona

I actually feel a little dramatic and silly right now although I know logically I am not. About an hour and a half ago I saw this youngish guy walk up my driveway along my Suburban and stand looking into my carport where my bikes are...including my new Kona. I rushed out the door to ask him if I could help him but he had head phones on and either couldn't hear me or pretended not to. I even yelled at him as he walked on the sidewalk in front of my house, "HEY!". No response.

So I spent the next 15 minutes locking up bikes and finally settling on bringing my bike in as well as all of our Razor scooters.

Punk. Your ass is grass.

Then I wondered if I should report him. So I called the unemergency police department number and told the woman what I had seen. She blurted out, "There are a lot of car prowls and burglaries in Moscow". See I know this...I had my crappy bike stolen TWICE. The first time we recovered it was a year later, at the Ren. Fair where it was locked up. The girl riding it had found it in the bushes. I was dumb and thought it was a fluke that someone would steal my uggo bike and it was stolen AGAIN. I have never found it again. Oh crusty Hardrock...you were an awesome $20 purchase from Missoula.

Back to this evening though. I reported it. And then I saw him again! Walking back by...not looking at anything. Just seemingly enjoying the evening and the music. I tried to snap a picture of him with my cell phone but it failed me. Then I remembered to see what he was wearing. And I called back....she told me too! Anyway, now I have an officer that has passed our house twice! haha. I told him I didn't know if  the guy lived back here or not...but obviously they thought it was weird enough to check out.

Still I feel kind of embarrassed. Big deal over nothing?

You can't have my Kona.