Wednesday...you bastard

Lately, I have begun to hate Wednesdays. Two days out from Jon's one day off and two and a half days from our next day off.  On Wednesday everything seems worse...even if it isn't...even if it is...it gets worse. Maybe, it is how much Jon has been working...maybe it has been my anxiety regarding Iris and being tired...all rolled into one. I am so thankful that Jon is working, but I really wanted him to stay home today. Iris was awake most of the night and we took two shifts to be with her when her tummy was hurting. Part of me hoped this would ensure that I would have some adult company today.

Nope.

Oh well, that is part of being an adult.

I keep asking myself the what if question regarding Iris...what if her doctor's are not correct? I realized that I had the lingering fear and it came from remembering Jon's childhood friend Seth who went in for surgery to drain polyps and came out with most of his intestines gone and a diagnosis of colon cancer. He died six months later at age 25.  

Most of the time I am logical. But Wednesday has its own voodoo magic.

I almost censored my blog title because I know my mom is reading this...but really, Lorie...there is no better descriptive word for this Wednesday. haha.

I feel ridiculous complaining. But we all have to once in a while, even if what is going on in my life is so much smaller then in the lives of my friend's and family.

I need a vacation.

We love Osteoid Osteomas!

My stomach is now back down where it should be...out of my throat.

What a relief to hear that Iris has an Osteoid Osteoma. I mean...of course, it would be better if she had nothing...but she does. A benign tumor.

While I had known this was most likely the case...the anxiety was a killer.

What is the next plan? Well, I tried to call the doctor's office after Jon told me the official MRI results...but they closed at 3 pm! We have to get a referral from them to a doctor in Spokane that has more experience with Osteoids in this part of the leg and with larger ones, which Iris has. Unfortunately, they won't be able to do the simple procedure because of the size of the growth and will have to scoop it out and perform a bone graft.
This is where Jon said to me, "Don't google that". Apparently, this is still an outpatient procedure...something that will be scheduled either next week or the week following. Personally, I hope it isn't next week as next week is the last week of preschool for Iris...which she loves.

Big sigh of relief from this mama.

Holding on lightly

Sometimes you are reminded that when you have a lot, you have a lot to lose. Does that make sense? Every so often I have events in my life that rock my boat just a little too much for my liking. These usually end up being reminders of how little control I or we have in this life, and how scary that can be as a parent. This past year I have seen former high school classmates struggle with a variety of losses...two in particular...one losing a spouse unexpectedly and the other being diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. Oddly enough, I had had a conversation with the one about the other's diagnosis which led us to discuss how fragile human life is...then she lost her husband. It has been strange to think back on our conversation and then realize that that fragility visited her house not long after.

Last summer, Sevrin had really bad stomach pains and many, many symptoms of Crohn's disease. I was terrified. I have two cousins with Crohn's disease and know just how hard it has been for them. I Googled WAY too much and was convinced he had this illness. Even the doctor was concerned and a scope was arranged. Thankfully, he didn't have Crohn's...he had reflux. But the "what ifs" killed me.

So tomorrow my little Iris is having an MRI on her left leg to better diagnose what she has going on there. This time I have managed my fears and except for a brief moment yesterday where I felt I would be sick to my stomach have managed a low grade level of anxiety. Her x-rays on Monday showed some sort of abnormality on her femur...the doctor thinks it is an easily treatable benign tumor called an Osteoid Osteoma...and I hope he is right. I made the mistake of poking around on the internet yesterday and found that it also has similar symptoms to Osteosarcoma. This would be the point where I almost lost my lunch. I know that I probably won't hear something tomorrow...since it is Friday. I know that I have worried myself sick in the past and found nothing or been pleased to have a child diagnosed with a lesser illness.

What if?

I recognize that we don't always get to dodge the bullets of life. I know from experience and from seeing my friend's over the past year that bad things DO happen to good people. No, I don't believe it is God's will...I can imagine nothing crueler then telling a person it is God's will that they have cancer or they have lost a spouse or their child has cancer. Nothing worse then the platitude, "God doesn't give us more then we can handle". Because yes, God or life...or whatever is out there...can throw some speed balls.

So while chances are that Iris will have this benign tumor...it brings pause to me. What if she didn't have a benign tumor? People aren't born able to deal with those things. People talk in glowing terms about how well a person is dealing with x, y, z...they aren't doing well...they are just doing, just being.

Last night, I regretted loving so much a little bit.

It is official

Today, being Wednesday, April 13, 2011 I declare myself to officially be taking a vacation day. Not my poor husband of course. I, however, am going to sit around all afternoon...except for when chasing Isla around is necessary...and watch shows on-line. I will also cook pizza from Safeway and not require anyone to do any chores. Including myself.

Signed,

The Mother in Charge

Blah, blah, blah

While dropping Iris off at preschool this morning I had a train of thought that I wanted to write about and now it has completely escaped me. Apparently, I look as grumpy or tired as I feel...an old neighbor walked in and gave me a squeeze...I said, "Oh, Trent needs a hug", he said, "No, you need a hug." haha. Another person asked me if I was okay. I asked if I could go to preschool today. Crafts. Snacks. Books.

I guess I look grumpy. I don't know that I feel grumpy. I just feel tired. Have I said that already? Sometimes being an adult is tiring. I will take this sort of tired which comes from Jon being gone most of the time working rather then the worry of not having enough work that we had about a month ago. Still. Sometimes it is all overwhelming. This is the time of the year when we push the pedal to the medal and have to make our entire year's income during the next 7 or 8 months. Add to that Jon is still working 20 hours a week at the University of Idaho...uff da. That will only last until next month though and start again at the end of August. I am thankful for a husband that works so hard even if that includes digging in the mud and hauling gravel.

I have found myself again thinking of owning our own house again. Yet, I look at our student loans, with payments that equal a monthly mortgage and I feel it will never happen. It isn't that I believe a home is necessary for happiness. I just want that stability. I wish the owners of the house we are renting would just keep renting to us...but I have an inkling that she may in fact want to move back into it herself! This house has a lot  more space then their other house and is a much better location for children. Whatever happens, we can't afford to buy this or any other house at this point. I hate that I am already thinking of when this lease ends in October and hoping that they honor their agreement to allow us to sign another lease. I hate thinking of what if we can't find a rental in the same school zone as we are currently in, I don't want them to switch schools again.

So this post is not very creative, funny or as elevated as the thoughts that ran away from me this morning.

Today is Spring

Finally. Aside from a beautiful day several weeks ago, spring has been alluding the Palouse. Jon had to leave for work at 7:30 this morning so I had the chance to walk Lemon and the kids to school, and then the girls and I walked to Co-op Kids which was meeting at Friendship Square. I had nearly talked myself into skipping our usual Tuesday outing but am glad I didn't. I ran into four or five people I hadn't seen for a while at the Food Co-op, caught up, cooed over cute babies and redeemed my free coffee before beating feet over to Friendship Square. I had a good time chatting with other moms and hearing about what is going on in others lives in my community. This is what I love about Moscow.

There is a community and it is here.

Last night my neighbor across the street Allison brought over some Taco Salad...unfortunately, we had already eaten but Jon devoured it after work. I love knowing the people I live near. I love that she brought something over to us. I still owe her for the paprika I borrowed a while ago, which started a conversation with us wondering what paprika was really doing for my recipe anyway? Paprika...confusing...yet alluring. Is it the color? We don't know. I was a little embarrassed at the mess my house was in...Jon was at work, dinner dishes were piled next to the sink and the kids were spread out doing homework. Have I mentioned they clean businesses professionally for a living? And her house is SPOTLESS?

I am picking the kids up from school early to go to a dentist appointment at 1 pm for the four older kids. Maybe we will go to a park afterwards, since it looks like it will be warm enough.

Iris has an appointment scheduled next Monday with the Orthopedic Surgeon and I am successfully muffling any unspoken fears I have with the knowledge that it is highly unlikely to be the C-word...but still...you know. Being a parent is scary.

An old high school friend of mine, Jessica Webster, has entered the hospital today for what will hopefully be the end of her battle with an aggressive form of cancer that was caught last August. Today she begins heavy, heavy cancer crushing doses of chemotherapy for one last time before she undergoes a bone marrow transplant. All of this will take place for the next three weeks.

I wish I had something more to say...because when I am done blogging I have to go do dishes.

Kona

I actually feel a little dramatic and silly right now although I know logically I am not. About an hour and a half ago I saw this youngish guy walk up my driveway along my Suburban and stand looking into my carport where my bikes are...including my new Kona. I rushed out the door to ask him if I could help him but he had head phones on and either couldn't hear me or pretended not to. I even yelled at him as he walked on the sidewalk in front of my house, "HEY!". No response.

So I spent the next 15 minutes locking up bikes and finally settling on bringing my bike in as well as all of our Razor scooters.

Punk. Your ass is grass.

Then I wondered if I should report him. So I called the unemergency police department number and told the woman what I had seen. She blurted out, "There are a lot of car prowls and burglaries in Moscow". See I know this...I had my crappy bike stolen TWICE. The first time we recovered it was a year later, at the Ren. Fair where it was locked up. The girl riding it had found it in the bushes. I was dumb and thought it was a fluke that someone would steal my uggo bike and it was stolen AGAIN. I have never found it again. Oh crusty Hardrock...you were an awesome $20 purchase from Missoula.

Back to this evening though. I reported it. And then I saw him again! Walking back by...not looking at anything. Just seemingly enjoying the evening and the music. I tried to snap a picture of him with my cell phone but it failed me. Then I remembered to see what he was wearing. And I called back....she told me too! Anyway, now I have an officer that has passed our house twice! haha. I told him I didn't know if  the guy lived back here or not...but obviously they thought it was weird enough to check out.

Still I feel kind of embarrassed. Big deal over nothing?

You can't have my Kona.

Top one percent

http://www.vanityfair.com/society/features/2011/05/top-one-percent-201105?currentPage=all&wpisrc=nl_wonk

Of course my child is Gifted and Talented!

Today was a pretty busy day. Wait. Is there really ever a not "pretty busy day" when you have children? I know of mama's with 17 kids...so it isn't as if I have some corner on being busy. In fact, I am pretty relaxed and generally not overwhelmingly busy. Pleasantly busy. On to today.

Iris reminded me that today was Co-op Kids at the Moscow Food Co-op so I quickly got dressed and ready to go after driving, yes driving, the boys to school. I took Isla in the car seat so Jon could keep working on some design work he needed for a 10 am meeting. We had a good time at the co-op, crafts and most importantly FREE coffee. I was astonished to look at the clock and realize I still had a half an hour until Iris' 10:15 appointment with the foot doctor. Her leg has been bothering her again so we wanted to get her in again to make sure her shoe inserts were still the proper size. So after lingering at the co-op as long as possible, chatting with community members, inviting nearly every person I saw to the Moscow Parent-Toddler Co-op Silent Auction (different from the previously mentioned Co-op Kids) I strapped both girls into the Beast and headed for Dr. Capawana's (Cowabunga's?) office. We got there five minutes early and I signed in. Ten minutes later the receptionist informed me I was there a tad early...30 minutes early...but add in the early arrival for the 10:15 appointment and I was there 45 minutes early. I had confused the doctor appt. for Isla tomorrow which was the 10:15 appt....this was the 10:45 appt. I decided to stay. I mean, where was I going to go that was better then a room with new toys and smiling older ladies making goo goo eyes at my baby? Both girls did wonderfully, of course.

Then we got in late. So we were there probably at least an hour before our appointment. Life goes on. The doctor checked her out, found her insert still fit, but took note that her left leg(the achy one) is actually developing different from the right leg. Her calf is noticeably smaller when he held each leg side by side. He said we should send her to see an Orthopedic Specialist to rule out anything serious. Cue, feeling of dread that momentarily rose in my chest. I talked myself down...chiding myself not to Google, and remembering the phrase, "When you hear hoof beats, don't look for zebras". It actually worked. Realistically, I think she probably has a very tight IT band from riding her scooter again...that and have you seen her father's legs? The man is practically a mutant! haha. Not really...but Jon is pigeon toed (like Iris) and bowlegged. When I went to massage school I practiced checking alignments on him...he literally has one knee cap higher then the other...I think because one leg is more bowed then the other. Mr. Unsymmetrical. He also has incredibly tight Ilio-tibial bands and I remember laughing when he nearly went through the roof when I "stretched" his leg out during a practice massage. I wasn't allowed to do that to the other leg. No thank you ma'am. Kudos to me for not having an aneurysm over the doctor's "ruling anything serious out" statement. I did give her a leg/hip massage tonight and we worked on stretches again.

After lunch Iris and I went to the library to return some books and movies and pick out some newbies. I picked out a Woody Allen movie that I will probably hate but feel that I should like because he is an iconic director. At least I think he is? I suppose if most of us could recognize his slouching, depressed demeanor he would fit that. I am suddenly hoping he is not IN the movie, just directing so that I don't have to watch his bumbling, morose line delivery. Why did I get this movie again?

Sevrin excitedly told me he went to GT math today...gifted and talented. What a wonderful thing for a girl like me, who cried and moaned over my many math failings to have children that like and yes, excel at math. I did take pause though and have in the past at the class title of GT. In some ways this is saying that some children are innately smarter then others...something that I do not believe and indeed impress the opposite upon my children. Even with my own math struggles I never, ever, never, never suggest that I was bad at math. I always explain that I was not given a strong foundation in basic skills and that led to a lot of frustration along the way. I did have a lot of instability growing up...that was hard enough to deal with without adding the times tables. I did gain confidence by passing my college algebra class...yes, I still had to work harder then most...but I was able to do it through shear determination, practice and studying. It bothers me that some children may get the impression that these skills are predetermined. We always encourage our children to challenge themselves even if that means failing. Sevrin does not take failing well...but I keep reminding him that means he is actually learning something. Meanwhile, Josiah wants to know why he isn't in GT math, since he is second best in class. I think some of this may have to do with his previous teacher's attitude with me as he did test into Advanced Math at Russell before we moved to McDonald. I wrote his new teacher and asked how students could be placed into more challenging math classes...without mentioning GT because I don't want her to think I just want my kid to be GIFTED and TALENTED...because aren't there parents out there that do think their children are extra special and deserve that title? Title be damned...I think he would have a lot of fun playing challenging math games and learning new things. Sevrin brought home ALGEBRA tonight...my third grader.

What would be a better title for that? Even Advanced Math sounds more equitable then Gifted and Talented. How affected.

The boys all finished their homework without complaint, Jon helped Iris with her reading lesson before going to work and the kids and I even straightened the house before they had their Tuesday video game time and watched Scooby Doo episodes from the library. We had falafel for dinner and I always forget how much I love it.

One last note...I have been purposely disengaging on the political front because I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. But I have to say something about Paul Ryan's budget proposal which I know will not pass...but speaks so loudly to me about the direction the Republican party is going. To see him giddily slashing Medicare for the elderly, pretending vouchers for private insurance companies will EVER be enough for ill seniors to pay for their own nursing home and medical needs, and slashing Medicaid funds for low-income individuals...mostly CHILDREN while simultaneously proposing tax cuts of nearly a 1/3 for the wealthy in this country from 35% to 25% has got to be one of the most disgusting, immoral things I have seen a  politician propose in a long time. The cherry on top was saying this wouldn't affect people 55 or older...essentially enticing seniors to vote for them still because it is no skin off their back is disgusting. These people repulse me. To pretend that privatization is the answer to all our problems is ignoring the issue of greed in mankind. Humans are selfish and corporations are the worst. The GOP has hated Medicare and Social Security since their inception...forget that it has kept seniors out of the poorhouse for decades. Screw my generation and reward the rich...EVEN MORE. I can only hope and pray that people stop voting against their own self interest.

Today

Today definitely started off as a Monday but ended up just fine. Jon had planned on going up to Deary to seed a client's yard from last year and wanted to leave at 7 am. Because he is such a nice guy, he gets up with the kids every morning, makes them lunch, feeds them breakfast and then walks them to school. I normally get to roll out of bed around 7:45 and stumble for the french press. I woke up at 6:45 and hopped out of bed with a start. I remembered I couldn't find our cash card (okay his...I just never activate mine...I have no idea why??) to gas up the beastly Suburban which has been flashing the low fuel light at me the last couple of days. I had that OH NO!!! feeling because I was responsible for snack at play co-op today, as well as getting the kids to school on my own and taking Iris to and from preschool. With the rain I NEEDED the car. So we dash around looking for the card and realize I cannot find the car keys. AT ALL. This means I am really in trouble. We retrace my footsteps after coming home from the MPTC board meeting. I am silently cursing under my breath because I am making Jon late...it is now 7:15...now 7:25. On top of this, I had been planning on jumping into the shower to wash my greasy hair. Yeah. That didn't happen.

Where do we find them? On the shelf next to the door where we always put our keys and where both of us have looked and somehow missed them for the past 15 minutes. This stalling made me suspicious that Jon should not go to Deary. I felt, maybe, this was a sign or omen that he should hide in our room for the day. I did not mention said suspicion. With a kiss he was off!

I managed to get the kids off just fine, Jon of course had already made their lunches. Most of my kids are self sufficient and I enjoyed walking with them and the dog to school to drop them off. Halfway to school I felt the top of my knit hat for some reason and felt three points. A small plastic set of doll butterfly wings was on the top of my head under my hat, probably making me look like I had three horns as we walked to school...all the way down Mountain View...where half of Moscow is on an early Monday morning.

We got home, I checked my email and the girls and I hopped into the Beast and made it to preschool on time for the teachers to walk her in so that I didn't have to take Isla out of her car seat. Take every positive you can in life!

 I made it to MPTC at the fairgrounds a little early and began setting up the play equipment and carpets. Pretty soon a nice sized group was there, Heidi announced it was her birthday and had brought some chocolate raspberry cheesecake. A good second breakfast. Everything went well, fun was had and I headed over to get Iris from preschool. She had painted some beautiful paintings for us, including one entitled, "Mom in the Sun", where I am painted all in red under a blazing sun. I think I forgot my sunscreen.

I came home and was surprised to find Jon here. There were still two inches of snow on the ground in Deary. So no seeding. He also, unfortunately, had a speeding ticket and then another violation for when he first couldn't find his insurance. Although he did find it while the officer was there he was told he could call and give them his policy number. So the speeding ticket=$150 and the insurance violation which wasn't really a violation=$129...the officer assured him that would be removed if he called and that if he cites his good driving record he could get the other reduced.

THEN the screen on the laptop I ran over with the Beast really started fritzing out today. Jon called Dell they quoted $187. Hells bells. He said he found something else online for $79...but what I really want to know is can he REALLY change the screen himself? Jon mentioned to me, "Well you know...things come in threes". I told him that would be when our taxes are done and they tell us how much we owe...or our vasectomy fails. haha.

Today reminds me of...yesterday afternoon when I was looking for seeds from last year. Since October I have not been able to find the new make-up I had bought right before we moved. You know I hardly wear any, but March isn't a friendly month for my skin tone and I was feeling pretty blah. I knew, knew, KNEW that if I purchased more make-up that I would find the other new make-up I misplaced from the move. So last week, even though we are pretty tight right now I used all these coupons from Walgreens and bought a mascara, an eye liner, a pink lipstick and an eye shadow. Not going crazy here.

Guess what was in the container with the seeds? Yep. Brand new mascara, eye liner,  and TWO eye shadows. So now I have two mascaras, two eye liners, three eye shadows and a lipstick. Enough make-up to carry me through my 40's for me. I told Jon we need to figure out what to look for besides a job. Quit looking, we will probably find one in the weirdest place. Or wait, maybe we already have. Moscow???

Do Hobbits fart?

 The other night Josiah and I were watching America's Next Top Model...that could be its own discussion....however this post is about what Josiah said when he saw the male hairdresser.

"Is he joy?", he asked. I was a little confused...then it hit me. "You mean gay?". Yes, he meant gay...haha.

Then last night we were watching an animated, Lord of the Rings, Ethan looked at the hobbit, Frodo's, hair and announced it looked like a butt (it did). One second later Josiah thinks out loud, "I wonder if hobbits fart?".

Proof

Proof that I have a lot of words...I am posting twice in one day! The kids finished their chores up this morning and then we went to the rec. center as planned to shoot some hoops. Once they were good and sweaty there we drove over to the science center where we ran into Roz, Gavin and Connor. Lucky for us today was a Nano Technology day...Josiah really geeked out. haha. He loves stuff like that. Sevrin was interested as well and Ethan and Iris took part and played a lot. By the time we got home I was tired! Jon was here and he has made bulgur beef casserole for dinner. It is much colder then yesterday, I think we will watch a movie tonight.

Rain, rain go away

Yesterday was an absolutely beautiful day. Around 65 degrees someone told me! Jon knocked off work early because it is the one day he doesn't work during the evening during the week and we knew the weather would be changing to rain and wind today. We walked downtown through the neighbors, traded movies at the library (in preparation for today) and stopped at the Co-op for some hamburger. We barbequed in the back yard, this house actually has a really nice backyard. It was fun to cook our burgers with wood (not quite sure the flavor we got-but still good!) and listen to the robins chiding each other in the darkening sky. We came in to eat and then I took the older kids back out to throw fuel into the fire. They love doing that. I thought of getting the camera because they were adorable with their faces lit up with firelight. My camera isn't the greatest though and I am not sure it would do justice.

Jon is at work this morning and then because he took of part of yesterday he will work some of this afternoon. So I think I may take the kids to the rec. center and then to the science center. This is our third day off of school in a row at this point it is about keeping them busy. Jon put them to work doing chores this morning. Sevrin cleaned bathrooms, Josiah is doing dishes, Ethan did laundry and is helping Iris straighten books and clean up the family room. Did I add Iris is practically gnashing her teeth over organizing the books?

Just an update on my bio mom. They found she does have some minute cancers on her thyroid, but as they put it nothing she couldn't live until 90 with. So good news for her.