Wednesday...you bastard

Lately, I have begun to hate Wednesdays. Two days out from Jon's one day off and two and a half days from our next day off.  On Wednesday everything seems worse...even if it isn't...even if it is...it gets worse. Maybe, it is how much Jon has been working...maybe it has been my anxiety regarding Iris and being tired...all rolled into one. I am so thankful that Jon is working, but I really wanted him to stay home today. Iris was awake most of the night and we took two shifts to be with her when her tummy was hurting. Part of me hoped this would ensure that I would have some adult company today.

Nope.

Oh well, that is part of being an adult.

I keep asking myself the what if question regarding Iris...what if her doctor's are not correct? I realized that I had the lingering fear and it came from remembering Jon's childhood friend Seth who went in for surgery to drain polyps and came out with most of his intestines gone and a diagnosis of colon cancer. He died six months later at age 25.  

Most of the time I am logical. But Wednesday has its own voodoo magic.

I almost censored my blog title because I know my mom is reading this...but really, Lorie...there is no better descriptive word for this Wednesday. haha.

I feel ridiculous complaining. But we all have to once in a while, even if what is going on in my life is so much smaller then in the lives of my friend's and family.

I need a vacation.

We love Osteoid Osteomas!

My stomach is now back down where it should be...out of my throat.

What a relief to hear that Iris has an Osteoid Osteoma. I mean...of course, it would be better if she had nothing...but she does. A benign tumor.

While I had known this was most likely the case...the anxiety was a killer.

What is the next plan? Well, I tried to call the doctor's office after Jon told me the official MRI results...but they closed at 3 pm! We have to get a referral from them to a doctor in Spokane that has more experience with Osteoids in this part of the leg and with larger ones, which Iris has. Unfortunately, they won't be able to do the simple procedure because of the size of the growth and will have to scoop it out and perform a bone graft.
This is where Jon said to me, "Don't google that". Apparently, this is still an outpatient procedure...something that will be scheduled either next week or the week following. Personally, I hope it isn't next week as next week is the last week of preschool for Iris...which she loves.

Big sigh of relief from this mama.

Holding on lightly

Sometimes you are reminded that when you have a lot, you have a lot to lose. Does that make sense? Every so often I have events in my life that rock my boat just a little too much for my liking. These usually end up being reminders of how little control I or we have in this life, and how scary that can be as a parent. This past year I have seen former high school classmates struggle with a variety of losses...two in particular...one losing a spouse unexpectedly and the other being diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. Oddly enough, I had had a conversation with the one about the other's diagnosis which led us to discuss how fragile human life is...then she lost her husband. It has been strange to think back on our conversation and then realize that that fragility visited her house not long after.

Last summer, Sevrin had really bad stomach pains and many, many symptoms of Crohn's disease. I was terrified. I have two cousins with Crohn's disease and know just how hard it has been for them. I Googled WAY too much and was convinced he had this illness. Even the doctor was concerned and a scope was arranged. Thankfully, he didn't have Crohn's...he had reflux. But the "what ifs" killed me.

So tomorrow my little Iris is having an MRI on her left leg to better diagnose what she has going on there. This time I have managed my fears and except for a brief moment yesterday where I felt I would be sick to my stomach have managed a low grade level of anxiety. Her x-rays on Monday showed some sort of abnormality on her femur...the doctor thinks it is an easily treatable benign tumor called an Osteoid Osteoma...and I hope he is right. I made the mistake of poking around on the internet yesterday and found that it also has similar symptoms to Osteosarcoma. This would be the point where I almost lost my lunch. I know that I probably won't hear something tomorrow...since it is Friday. I know that I have worried myself sick in the past and found nothing or been pleased to have a child diagnosed with a lesser illness.

What if?

I recognize that we don't always get to dodge the bullets of life. I know from experience and from seeing my friend's over the past year that bad things DO happen to good people. No, I don't believe it is God's will...I can imagine nothing crueler then telling a person it is God's will that they have cancer or they have lost a spouse or their child has cancer. Nothing worse then the platitude, "God doesn't give us more then we can handle". Because yes, God or life...or whatever is out there...can throw some speed balls.

So while chances are that Iris will have this benign tumor...it brings pause to me. What if she didn't have a benign tumor? People aren't born able to deal with those things. People talk in glowing terms about how well a person is dealing with x, y, z...they aren't doing well...they are just doing, just being.

Last night, I regretted loving so much a little bit.

It is official

Today, being Wednesday, April 13, 2011 I declare myself to officially be taking a vacation day. Not my poor husband of course. I, however, am going to sit around all afternoon...except for when chasing Isla around is necessary...and watch shows on-line. I will also cook pizza from Safeway and not require anyone to do any chores. Including myself.

Signed,

The Mother in Charge

Blah, blah, blah

While dropping Iris off at preschool this morning I had a train of thought that I wanted to write about and now it has completely escaped me. Apparently, I look as grumpy or tired as I feel...an old neighbor walked in and gave me a squeeze...I said, "Oh, Trent needs a hug", he said, "No, you need a hug." haha. Another person asked me if I was okay. I asked if I could go to preschool today. Crafts. Snacks. Books.

I guess I look grumpy. I don't know that I feel grumpy. I just feel tired. Have I said that already? Sometimes being an adult is tiring. I will take this sort of tired which comes from Jon being gone most of the time working rather then the worry of not having enough work that we had about a month ago. Still. Sometimes it is all overwhelming. This is the time of the year when we push the pedal to the medal and have to make our entire year's income during the next 7 or 8 months. Add to that Jon is still working 20 hours a week at the University of Idaho...uff da. That will only last until next month though and start again at the end of August. I am thankful for a husband that works so hard even if that includes digging in the mud and hauling gravel.

I have found myself again thinking of owning our own house again. Yet, I look at our student loans, with payments that equal a monthly mortgage and I feel it will never happen. It isn't that I believe a home is necessary for happiness. I just want that stability. I wish the owners of the house we are renting would just keep renting to us...but I have an inkling that she may in fact want to move back into it herself! This house has a lot  more space then their other house and is a much better location for children. Whatever happens, we can't afford to buy this or any other house at this point. I hate that I am already thinking of when this lease ends in October and hoping that they honor their agreement to allow us to sign another lease. I hate thinking of what if we can't find a rental in the same school zone as we are currently in, I don't want them to switch schools again.

So this post is not very creative, funny or as elevated as the thoughts that ran away from me this morning.

Today is Spring

Finally. Aside from a beautiful day several weeks ago, spring has been alluding the Palouse. Jon had to leave for work at 7:30 this morning so I had the chance to walk Lemon and the kids to school, and then the girls and I walked to Co-op Kids which was meeting at Friendship Square. I had nearly talked myself into skipping our usual Tuesday outing but am glad I didn't. I ran into four or five people I hadn't seen for a while at the Food Co-op, caught up, cooed over cute babies and redeemed my free coffee before beating feet over to Friendship Square. I had a good time chatting with other moms and hearing about what is going on in others lives in my community. This is what I love about Moscow.

There is a community and it is here.

Last night my neighbor across the street Allison brought over some Taco Salad...unfortunately, we had already eaten but Jon devoured it after work. I love knowing the people I live near. I love that she brought something over to us. I still owe her for the paprika I borrowed a while ago, which started a conversation with us wondering what paprika was really doing for my recipe anyway? Paprika...confusing...yet alluring. Is it the color? We don't know. I was a little embarrassed at the mess my house was in...Jon was at work, dinner dishes were piled next to the sink and the kids were spread out doing homework. Have I mentioned they clean businesses professionally for a living? And her house is SPOTLESS?

I am picking the kids up from school early to go to a dentist appointment at 1 pm for the four older kids. Maybe we will go to a park afterwards, since it looks like it will be warm enough.

Iris has an appointment scheduled next Monday with the Orthopedic Surgeon and I am successfully muffling any unspoken fears I have with the knowledge that it is highly unlikely to be the C-word...but still...you know. Being a parent is scary.

An old high school friend of mine, Jessica Webster, has entered the hospital today for what will hopefully be the end of her battle with an aggressive form of cancer that was caught last August. Today she begins heavy, heavy cancer crushing doses of chemotherapy for one last time before she undergoes a bone marrow transplant. All of this will take place for the next three weeks.

I wish I had something more to say...because when I am done blogging I have to go do dishes.

Kona

I actually feel a little dramatic and silly right now although I know logically I am not. About an hour and a half ago I saw this youngish guy walk up my driveway along my Suburban and stand looking into my carport where my bikes are...including my new Kona. I rushed out the door to ask him if I could help him but he had head phones on and either couldn't hear me or pretended not to. I even yelled at him as he walked on the sidewalk in front of my house, "HEY!". No response.

So I spent the next 15 minutes locking up bikes and finally settling on bringing my bike in as well as all of our Razor scooters.

Punk. Your ass is grass.

Then I wondered if I should report him. So I called the unemergency police department number and told the woman what I had seen. She blurted out, "There are a lot of car prowls and burglaries in Moscow". See I know this...I had my crappy bike stolen TWICE. The first time we recovered it was a year later, at the Ren. Fair where it was locked up. The girl riding it had found it in the bushes. I was dumb and thought it was a fluke that someone would steal my uggo bike and it was stolen AGAIN. I have never found it again. Oh crusty Hardrock...you were an awesome $20 purchase from Missoula.

Back to this evening though. I reported it. And then I saw him again! Walking back by...not looking at anything. Just seemingly enjoying the evening and the music. I tried to snap a picture of him with my cell phone but it failed me. Then I remembered to see what he was wearing. And I called back....she told me too! Anyway, now I have an officer that has passed our house twice! haha. I told him I didn't know if  the guy lived back here or not...but obviously they thought it was weird enough to check out.

Still I feel kind of embarrassed. Big deal over nothing?

You can't have my Kona.

Top one percent

http://www.vanityfair.com/society/features/2011/05/top-one-percent-201105?currentPage=all&wpisrc=nl_wonk

Of course my child is Gifted and Talented!

Today was a pretty busy day. Wait. Is there really ever a not "pretty busy day" when you have children? I know of mama's with 17 kids...so it isn't as if I have some corner on being busy. In fact, I am pretty relaxed and generally not overwhelmingly busy. Pleasantly busy. On to today.

Iris reminded me that today was Co-op Kids at the Moscow Food Co-op so I quickly got dressed and ready to go after driving, yes driving, the boys to school. I took Isla in the car seat so Jon could keep working on some design work he needed for a 10 am meeting. We had a good time at the co-op, crafts and most importantly FREE coffee. I was astonished to look at the clock and realize I still had a half an hour until Iris' 10:15 appointment with the foot doctor. Her leg has been bothering her again so we wanted to get her in again to make sure her shoe inserts were still the proper size. So after lingering at the co-op as long as possible, chatting with community members, inviting nearly every person I saw to the Moscow Parent-Toddler Co-op Silent Auction (different from the previously mentioned Co-op Kids) I strapped both girls into the Beast and headed for Dr. Capawana's (Cowabunga's?) office. We got there five minutes early and I signed in. Ten minutes later the receptionist informed me I was there a tad early...30 minutes early...but add in the early arrival for the 10:15 appointment and I was there 45 minutes early. I had confused the doctor appt. for Isla tomorrow which was the 10:15 appt....this was the 10:45 appt. I decided to stay. I mean, where was I going to go that was better then a room with new toys and smiling older ladies making goo goo eyes at my baby? Both girls did wonderfully, of course.

Then we got in late. So we were there probably at least an hour before our appointment. Life goes on. The doctor checked her out, found her insert still fit, but took note that her left leg(the achy one) is actually developing different from the right leg. Her calf is noticeably smaller when he held each leg side by side. He said we should send her to see an Orthopedic Specialist to rule out anything serious. Cue, feeling of dread that momentarily rose in my chest. I talked myself down...chiding myself not to Google, and remembering the phrase, "When you hear hoof beats, don't look for zebras". It actually worked. Realistically, I think she probably has a very tight IT band from riding her scooter again...that and have you seen her father's legs? The man is practically a mutant! haha. Not really...but Jon is pigeon toed (like Iris) and bowlegged. When I went to massage school I practiced checking alignments on him...he literally has one knee cap higher then the other...I think because one leg is more bowed then the other. Mr. Unsymmetrical. He also has incredibly tight Ilio-tibial bands and I remember laughing when he nearly went through the roof when I "stretched" his leg out during a practice massage. I wasn't allowed to do that to the other leg. No thank you ma'am. Kudos to me for not having an aneurysm over the doctor's "ruling anything serious out" statement. I did give her a leg/hip massage tonight and we worked on stretches again.

After lunch Iris and I went to the library to return some books and movies and pick out some newbies. I picked out a Woody Allen movie that I will probably hate but feel that I should like because he is an iconic director. At least I think he is? I suppose if most of us could recognize his slouching, depressed demeanor he would fit that. I am suddenly hoping he is not IN the movie, just directing so that I don't have to watch his bumbling, morose line delivery. Why did I get this movie again?

Sevrin excitedly told me he went to GT math today...gifted and talented. What a wonderful thing for a girl like me, who cried and moaned over my many math failings to have children that like and yes, excel at math. I did take pause though and have in the past at the class title of GT. In some ways this is saying that some children are innately smarter then others...something that I do not believe and indeed impress the opposite upon my children. Even with my own math struggles I never, ever, never, never suggest that I was bad at math. I always explain that I was not given a strong foundation in basic skills and that led to a lot of frustration along the way. I did have a lot of instability growing up...that was hard enough to deal with without adding the times tables. I did gain confidence by passing my college algebra class...yes, I still had to work harder then most...but I was able to do it through shear determination, practice and studying. It bothers me that some children may get the impression that these skills are predetermined. We always encourage our children to challenge themselves even if that means failing. Sevrin does not take failing well...but I keep reminding him that means he is actually learning something. Meanwhile, Josiah wants to know why he isn't in GT math, since he is second best in class. I think some of this may have to do with his previous teacher's attitude with me as he did test into Advanced Math at Russell before we moved to McDonald. I wrote his new teacher and asked how students could be placed into more challenging math classes...without mentioning GT because I don't want her to think I just want my kid to be GIFTED and TALENTED...because aren't there parents out there that do think their children are extra special and deserve that title? Title be damned...I think he would have a lot of fun playing challenging math games and learning new things. Sevrin brought home ALGEBRA tonight...my third grader.

What would be a better title for that? Even Advanced Math sounds more equitable then Gifted and Talented. How affected.

The boys all finished their homework without complaint, Jon helped Iris with her reading lesson before going to work and the kids and I even straightened the house before they had their Tuesday video game time and watched Scooby Doo episodes from the library. We had falafel for dinner and I always forget how much I love it.

One last note...I have been purposely disengaging on the political front because I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. But I have to say something about Paul Ryan's budget proposal which I know will not pass...but speaks so loudly to me about the direction the Republican party is going. To see him giddily slashing Medicare for the elderly, pretending vouchers for private insurance companies will EVER be enough for ill seniors to pay for their own nursing home and medical needs, and slashing Medicaid funds for low-income individuals...mostly CHILDREN while simultaneously proposing tax cuts of nearly a 1/3 for the wealthy in this country from 35% to 25% has got to be one of the most disgusting, immoral things I have seen a  politician propose in a long time. The cherry on top was saying this wouldn't affect people 55 or older...essentially enticing seniors to vote for them still because it is no skin off their back is disgusting. These people repulse me. To pretend that privatization is the answer to all our problems is ignoring the issue of greed in mankind. Humans are selfish and corporations are the worst. The GOP has hated Medicare and Social Security since their inception...forget that it has kept seniors out of the poorhouse for decades. Screw my generation and reward the rich...EVEN MORE. I can only hope and pray that people stop voting against their own self interest.

Today

Today definitely started off as a Monday but ended up just fine. Jon had planned on going up to Deary to seed a client's yard from last year and wanted to leave at 7 am. Because he is such a nice guy, he gets up with the kids every morning, makes them lunch, feeds them breakfast and then walks them to school. I normally get to roll out of bed around 7:45 and stumble for the french press. I woke up at 6:45 and hopped out of bed with a start. I remembered I couldn't find our cash card (okay his...I just never activate mine...I have no idea why??) to gas up the beastly Suburban which has been flashing the low fuel light at me the last couple of days. I had that OH NO!!! feeling because I was responsible for snack at play co-op today, as well as getting the kids to school on my own and taking Iris to and from preschool. With the rain I NEEDED the car. So we dash around looking for the card and realize I cannot find the car keys. AT ALL. This means I am really in trouble. We retrace my footsteps after coming home from the MPTC board meeting. I am silently cursing under my breath because I am making Jon late...it is now 7:15...now 7:25. On top of this, I had been planning on jumping into the shower to wash my greasy hair. Yeah. That didn't happen.

Where do we find them? On the shelf next to the door where we always put our keys and where both of us have looked and somehow missed them for the past 15 minutes. This stalling made me suspicious that Jon should not go to Deary. I felt, maybe, this was a sign or omen that he should hide in our room for the day. I did not mention said suspicion. With a kiss he was off!

I managed to get the kids off just fine, Jon of course had already made their lunches. Most of my kids are self sufficient and I enjoyed walking with them and the dog to school to drop them off. Halfway to school I felt the top of my knit hat for some reason and felt three points. A small plastic set of doll butterfly wings was on the top of my head under my hat, probably making me look like I had three horns as we walked to school...all the way down Mountain View...where half of Moscow is on an early Monday morning.

We got home, I checked my email and the girls and I hopped into the Beast and made it to preschool on time for the teachers to walk her in so that I didn't have to take Isla out of her car seat. Take every positive you can in life!

 I made it to MPTC at the fairgrounds a little early and began setting up the play equipment and carpets. Pretty soon a nice sized group was there, Heidi announced it was her birthday and had brought some chocolate raspberry cheesecake. A good second breakfast. Everything went well, fun was had and I headed over to get Iris from preschool. She had painted some beautiful paintings for us, including one entitled, "Mom in the Sun", where I am painted all in red under a blazing sun. I think I forgot my sunscreen.

I came home and was surprised to find Jon here. There were still two inches of snow on the ground in Deary. So no seeding. He also, unfortunately, had a speeding ticket and then another violation for when he first couldn't find his insurance. Although he did find it while the officer was there he was told he could call and give them his policy number. So the speeding ticket=$150 and the insurance violation which wasn't really a violation=$129...the officer assured him that would be removed if he called and that if he cites his good driving record he could get the other reduced.

THEN the screen on the laptop I ran over with the Beast really started fritzing out today. Jon called Dell they quoted $187. Hells bells. He said he found something else online for $79...but what I really want to know is can he REALLY change the screen himself? Jon mentioned to me, "Well you know...things come in threes". I told him that would be when our taxes are done and they tell us how much we owe...or our vasectomy fails. haha.

Today reminds me of...yesterday afternoon when I was looking for seeds from last year. Since October I have not been able to find the new make-up I had bought right before we moved. You know I hardly wear any, but March isn't a friendly month for my skin tone and I was feeling pretty blah. I knew, knew, KNEW that if I purchased more make-up that I would find the other new make-up I misplaced from the move. So last week, even though we are pretty tight right now I used all these coupons from Walgreens and bought a mascara, an eye liner, a pink lipstick and an eye shadow. Not going crazy here.

Guess what was in the container with the seeds? Yep. Brand new mascara, eye liner,  and TWO eye shadows. So now I have two mascaras, two eye liners, three eye shadows and a lipstick. Enough make-up to carry me through my 40's for me. I told Jon we need to figure out what to look for besides a job. Quit looking, we will probably find one in the weirdest place. Or wait, maybe we already have. Moscow???

Do Hobbits fart?

 The other night Josiah and I were watching America's Next Top Model...that could be its own discussion....however this post is about what Josiah said when he saw the male hairdresser.

"Is he joy?", he asked. I was a little confused...then it hit me. "You mean gay?". Yes, he meant gay...haha.

Then last night we were watching an animated, Lord of the Rings, Ethan looked at the hobbit, Frodo's, hair and announced it looked like a butt (it did). One second later Josiah thinks out loud, "I wonder if hobbits fart?".

Proof

Proof that I have a lot of words...I am posting twice in one day! The kids finished their chores up this morning and then we went to the rec. center as planned to shoot some hoops. Once they were good and sweaty there we drove over to the science center where we ran into Roz, Gavin and Connor. Lucky for us today was a Nano Technology day...Josiah really geeked out. haha. He loves stuff like that. Sevrin was interested as well and Ethan and Iris took part and played a lot. By the time we got home I was tired! Jon was here and he has made bulgur beef casserole for dinner. It is much colder then yesterday, I think we will watch a movie tonight.

Rain, rain go away

Yesterday was an absolutely beautiful day. Around 65 degrees someone told me! Jon knocked off work early because it is the one day he doesn't work during the evening during the week and we knew the weather would be changing to rain and wind today. We walked downtown through the neighbors, traded movies at the library (in preparation for today) and stopped at the Co-op for some hamburger. We barbequed in the back yard, this house actually has a really nice backyard. It was fun to cook our burgers with wood (not quite sure the flavor we got-but still good!) and listen to the robins chiding each other in the darkening sky. We came in to eat and then I took the older kids back out to throw fuel into the fire. They love doing that. I thought of getting the camera because they were adorable with their faces lit up with firelight. My camera isn't the greatest though and I am not sure it would do justice.

Jon is at work this morning and then because he took of part of yesterday he will work some of this afternoon. So I think I may take the kids to the rec. center and then to the science center. This is our third day off of school in a row at this point it is about keeping them busy. Jon put them to work doing chores this morning. Sevrin cleaned bathrooms, Josiah is doing dishes, Ethan did laundry and is helping Iris straighten books and clean up the family room. Did I add Iris is practically gnashing her teeth over organizing the books?

Just an update on my bio mom. They found she does have some minute cancers on her thyroid, but as they put it nothing she couldn't live until 90 with. So good news for her.

Funny story of the day

On the way to go to the boy's portfolio night Jon loaded them up into the Suburban and then went to get into his truck since he had to go to work tonight, despite a raging migraine.

I did feel a little bump, and then Jon came running over. He had leaned the backpack with our  new laptop up against the running board of the Suburban. Yep. I ran over it. Just the corner though, I guess the screen now has a one by one inch of black.

Dishes, I vanquish thee.

I think it has been three or four weeks since my Facebook fast and I LOVE IT. Seriously. I do feel less stressed and I do feel more engaged with my children. I told someone that when I would see the red message notification I think the happy part of my brain lit up. By simply not going there I skip that step...so I don't really miss it. Ah...Heather, you social butterfly you. Because Lent will end at some point I have been thinking about my long term relationship with Facebook and think I may try to ditch it except for the occasional check for baby pictures and news from family and REAL life friends. That means no scrolling to read what classmate I haven't seen since 1995 is eating for breakfast. How will I survive?!? I think I will manage. Plus, I enjoy that people don't know the mundane things I avoid doing all day. Maybe that makes my life look more exciting...you know, the mystery. It will leave people thinking, "Oh yeah, Heather...she must be doing amazing things!"...even if in reality that means keeping caught up on dishes. Oddly, this past week I have just done them. For some people this is not an issue but for me. I don't know what it is. I know my friend Molly understands. Regardless, I am enjoying not having to talk myself into doing them. I like that I have a window over the sink that looks out onto the street. I can spy on the neighbors across the street. This morning I was amused to see some of their friends had had an old, decorated toilet planted in their yard with a sign reading, "Cancer Stinks!". I don't know if they do this everywhere, but in Moscow if you get this in your yard it means you have to PAY them to remove it. That is how they raise money...black mail. Jon just muttered, "I hope they don't put it in our yard". I should have taken a picture of it before it disappeared.

Last night, I took the kids to the science fair where we wandered the aisles of McDonald Elementary School seeing what the other children had done. The boys did a science project on the effects of water temperature on ocean currents. I made the mistake of telling them they could each do their own next year. Uff da. It was fun to go though. We saw Sevrin's favorite teacher, Mrs. Arlint, there with her husband and two children. We also ran into a lot of other people we know from Moscow. Despite feeling antsy at times about being in Moscow, I love the community for my children. No matter what Boise throws at the school district I know that parents and teachers here will band together to provide an excellent teacher for my children. There is no school tomorrow or Friday and tomorrow afternoon we will go to school to see the boy's portfolios. There will be childcare provided, so we can go with each boy individually to see what they have been working on. Very cool.

Have I mentioned what I did last Friday night? Kris Wallace from the MPTC group invited some of us ladies to a Pure Romance party, aka a chance to get out of the house and have drinks and food uninterrupted. I am not going to explain WHAT we passed around...needless to say, there is a lot of variety in the world...if you know what I mean? haha. No, I am not talking about a joint either. haha...just realized that sounded like that too.

Have I mentioned how well Iris is reading and how easily she seems to understand mathematical concepts?  We aren't going for genius here, but I am okay with normal. I struggled so badly in math that I am pretty aggressive about teaching the children foundational math skills to build on. We are so fortunate that none of our children, yet, seem to have any sort of delays. At this moment, at least two of the boys are immersed in books they have checked out from the library. I love that they love to read.

Josiah is going to the Math Circle tomorrow which is put on by the high school math club as well as a professor from UI. Last time they did some crazy challenge where they had to follow the lines of shapes without lifting their pencils. Or something like that. Tomorrow they will be learning some game, Nin or Nim? I think. Depending on the weather I think we will either go on a bike ride or go to the Palouse Discovery Science Center in Pullman.

On another random note, my aunt sent me an email informing me my bio mom is getting some sort of results tomorrow regarding a tumor she has in her throat...or somewhere around there. We are hoping it is benign. The doctor had called my aunt to see if she could be there when my bio mom gets the news, she doesn't think he realizes she lives in Montana.

Apparently, I had a lot of words to get out tonight. Jon should be home in about 15 minutes from work, so hopefully I won't attack him with a slate of words.

Good night world.

I see beautiful people

Do yourself a favor and after reading this blog choose the next blog choice at the top of this page. I don't know if you have to be signed in but it is amazing to see and read the absolute creativity, beauty and humor of humans. I happened upon the blogs of three or four women...interesting women...that took the time to upload pictures of beautiful things and the people they love. A South African transplant in the American Midwest? A woman over 65 years old pointing out that she is a minority as only 26% of people over her age are on-line? She says she loves her life. All at our fingertips.

I feel funny chronicling my own life and throwing it out there into internet space. Especially when I see the beauty and prose that is swirling around me. Proof that we are all connected to one another...the beauty we seek and share with others.

Rainy Tuesday

Jon has a meeting this afternoon and then has work at the university. They are having a safety meeting to remind wood shop employees of ways to minimize the chances of college students cutting off their fingers with band saws. Yes, this almost happened. I think this is going to make for a long afternoon/slash evening and I am not looking forward to it. I even got to lay down and relax some after a very busy morning. I took the girls to the Moscow Food Co-op for Co-op kids, to the Moscow Parent Toddler Co-op field trip at the Appaloosa Museum and then to the 11 o'clock library story time. I printed up pictures to mail to various family members and picked up some groceries from the Co-op. I am caught up on dishes and laundry...and this gray weather now has me a little funktified.

Yawn.

Maybe I will cook up the soba noodles for dinner early. I am sure there is something else I could clean but I just look at the odds and ends stuff piled on top of the freezer and want to ignore it. Hence, there is a pile of odds and ends stuff on the freezer.

I also need to call my bio mom and wish her a happy birthday but imagine I will have to call 5 different numbers before I find the correct nurse to leave the message with since she can't speak on the phone anyway.

Doing something while doing nothing

Today I received a funny call from my bio mom's nurse in California. "She wants you to bring her pajamas and a small radio with ear phones". "Uh, I don't live there, I live in Idaho", I said, "My mom has items at the room and board facility she lives at."

My life is pretty humdrum but sometimes these weird experiences wiggle into my daily existence. I don't know quite what to make of them...they are almost like weeds that just pop up randomly. I told the nurse I would call back but I didn't. I didn't because I am not sure what I am supposed to do. My mom is either not with it because she just had surgery or she is with it but wants me to do something, anything for her. The problem is...I don't know what to do. She has been offered help so many times. And truth be told, I think 99% of the time she doesn't want help, or rather doesn't want the kind of help that would require her to change her behavior. Then again, I am not sure she has the mental capacity to change her behavior. She is mentally ill after all. If you were to speak with her though, she is very sharp mentally. She is shrewd. She is a survivor. She has to have been in order to reach the almost ripe age of 60. I think reaching 60 after having lived the life she has is a testament to the scrapper inside.

That leaves me scratching my head. If it was as simple as saying, "Mom, you need help...you need medication...you need to be honest." Well then, that would be that. Well. Then I wouldn't have been adopted. She wouldn't have lost me. If losing your child isn't enough to shake you awake, then I don't really think anything can or will.

For her family this leaves us in a strange place. You see a family member often homeless or on the verge of homelessness and of course you want to help them. Of course I don't want to think of my mother as homeless. And I think she knows that. This allows her to pluck on our heart strings. Sometimes I feel guilt...and I know I am not alone in this. I am a kind person. I am a giving person. But I also know I wasn't enough. That doesn't hurt me to say. It is just the truth. If I wasn't enough at age 9, I am not going to be enough at age 33.

My heart is hard against her and I think it is for the best.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

I am tired. We just got done with the boys science fair project. It was fun...but of course in the end Jon and I were the ones hurridly cutting, printing and taping small pieces of paper to cardboard. I will admire the science projects that are more well put together then ours but we had fun.

My aunt and uncle had sent us money for our anniversary and said dinner was on them. So we took the kids to Sangria, where they had never been, and they had so much fun! We paired up and shared meals to keep the costs down. Josiah and I shared clam linguine, Jon and Iris had salmon fettucine and Ethan and Sevrin shared Shrimp Scampi. We had two appetizers and drinks as well. We got the bill and we had .25 cents left of the money they gave us...and that is after tip! Yay us! And thank you Aunt Penny and Uncle Steve for a really fun evening out with our kids. We hadn't taken them out for a long while. We have such wonderful kids, I was so proud to take them out and have them be so well behaved and thrilled to be treated.

Conversation

This morning I got caught up with Lorie and my sister Gayle. My poor kids probably wished I would just get off the phone but it is fun to have family. Earlier this week I spoke with my sister-in-law Lindsey and my cousin Steven...I have to say...it makes me smile that I have people that call me. I love to hear what people are up to and I love to share with them stories about the children and what we are up to. It is good to have people to share your life with. People that understand you.

I find it odd that I can count Gayle (yes I know you are reading this!) as one of them. We have had a handful of conversations on the phone...but each time, it feels as if a few more obstacles come down and I am getting to know her. My sister. How comforting to have someone that has had similar experiences to my own and a similar temperament. We are both survivors and I admire her ability to care selflessly for those around her. Seemingly without complaint. It was oddly comforting to tell her about the situation with my birth mother. While Gayle and I don't share mothers, our mothers have some of the same challenges. We both moved from our mothers at the age of 9, her to her grandparents, me to my aunt.

Isn't life weird?

My bio mom, Marilyn, had to have a tracheotomy inserted yesterday. I called her the day before in order to check and make sure her address was the same so that I could send her birthday present. She was already at the hospital, scared and unsure. I hate these situations. Because I am her daughter. I was going to put a qualifier on that. But there isn't one. I am her daughter...even if not legally. Now she is nearly voiceless. Who will be her advocate? Who will clean her trach? This is a result from the fire last fall that resulted in the death of a man that was in  her trailer. The fire inhalation burns damaged her vocal cords, leaving them immobile and putting her at risk of suffocation if she was to contract a respiratory infection. Speaking to her, hearing the whoops of her breath...is or was...uncomfortable. She made it to her primary physician for a regular check up, only to be sent to the hospital...this was how serious her doctor found the situation. A tiny camera inserted into her airway showed the damage and yesterday they set about rectifying the situation with the knowledge that it may result in a tracheotomy. I called this morning and was told by a kind nurse, yes, what you say is true...she did have a tracheotomy.

My mom wrote to me through the nurse, tell her I am doing okay...and that I love her. Sometimes emotion surprises me. Because of my separation I have a disconnect in my heart regarding her.

I had to and I have to.

This is intentional.

That nurse tells me, "She says, 'I love her' ".  I steadied my voice and laughed. "Yes".

I didn't say it back.

What does that make me?