Lightening

Friendship. I miss it. I miss having good girlfriends I can walk and talk with. It has been many years since I have had a good friend here...with me...in my life. Of course, I have Jon and he is my best friend...but he can't be everything to me. Who wants to be that? We talk about it, Jon and I...how hard it is to find those people you click with...that don't have to struggle to understand what you mean, it goes both ways.

I'm pretty tired today and was yesterday. I think it is the result of a week at home with all five kids and having the youngest half of them sick. So we were home. Stuck. And it feels like that. I dropped a flier off at the Moscow Parent-Toddler Co-op today for the field trip next Tuesday. Jon had Isla at home while I dropped Iris off at preschool. I stayed for 45 minutes without a child. Heavy on the PARENT co-op today. I needed to speak with other women. Don't we all need that? Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? And why do I live so far from the friends I have made as an adult.

Emily, I am talking about you. I was overcome with the urge to call you immediately on the way from preschool. But didn't. I don't want to talk to you on the phone. I want to go on a walk with you, go for coffee, listen to you rant and rave...and then get my turn.

Molly, I am talking about you. From the moment I spied you with that bright red triple stroller I knew we were meant to be friends. And I miss you and your wisdom. You have been instrumental in my own life. I have learned so much from you.

Mary, I am talking about you. I remember the exact moment I met you at library story time in Missoula. We were both rabid for friendship. I saw it in you and your hurried, breathless speech. No one tells us how desperate for adult conversation young children will make us.

Shauna, I am talking about you...even though suddenly I am not sure how to spell your name. How fun it was to find another woman that would share her thoughts passionately. I want to go for a walk with you, through the frats, and be shocked by young men hitting on us despite you having a baby strapped to your chest.

Jennifer, I am talking about you. I don't know when it happened. But we became good friends. I am so thankful for your acceptance of me...just as I am.

I have never been the person to have a lot of close friends. I know a lot of people in passing but always long for real connections. They don't come easy. Perhaps the friends we do make wouldn't be as special if it was easy.

All I know is that I long for those people and those relationships. I mourn them at times. Come over. Lets eat together and go on a walk.

They come as gifts.

Lightening.

Odds and ends

The day after Isla's first birthday she took 3,4,5 steps! We all cheered her on, it was pretty fun to see her tip, tip, tip toeing. Then last night she said, "Dank Doo"...oh so cute! She already says mom and dad...I love seeing her personality come out.

This spring break has been pretty uneventful. Iris has had a sore throat and cold for the past four days. So we haven't really done anything fun since Monday when we went on a bike ride. Isla has a cold now and Ethan has the start of it. Super fun.

I went on a long walk yesterday with Lemon and took her to the dog park. It was fun standing around chatting it up with other dog owners. Then I walked home by Tiempo Commons...I swear...some development looks like it has just been thrown up and left there. Pretty atrocious and I kept think WE could do so much better then that.

Last night I saw that Florida is attempting to deregulate landscape architecture and had a mild heart attack. If Florida does it, maybe Idaho will think that is a good idea. I almost wanted to cry as those tests costs us thousands, are difficult and are one of the only ways we can separate ourselves from landscapers starting out. That is what stops everyone else from calling themselves a landscape architect...and looking at Tiempo Commons who could argue that not everyone is qualified to plan development.

Still watching the news out of Japan, Libya...etc., etc.. The world is a crazy place and I am under no notion that it is crazier now then ever. I think it is magnified when you have children though...sometimes I wonder what kind of world my children will have when they grow up. It makes me sad.

Bush planters

Jon and I used to sing this song we made up whenever we saw someone else disappointed or were disappointed ourselves...even over really trivial things.

"Disappointment...", sung like a dirge is really funny actually.

Jon came home from the wood shop tonight and was disappointed that he hadn't even gotten a phone interview...for NORTH DAKOTA. Note: North Dakota had 100 applicants. Apparently he didn't even make the entry level short list as an RLA! I mean, how many RLAs can be entry level. Is being licensed a blessing or a curse...or does it just not matter?

We are off the applying wagon again. It is too hard to be rejected. Over. And Over. And Over again. I wonder. The more years since graduation do they look at you as none entry level anymore? And then what kind of weird no mans land are you in when it has been 3, 4, 5 years since you have graduated but not been hired? I am taking a new tact...at least for Jon's sake. We will get there...it is just going to be a different path. Those doors(relating to a past blog post) are not open for us, and while frustrating it is counterproductive to dwell on it. Damn it. We are going to be the best bush planters you have ever seen! And we are going to make money at it to boot.

Spring Break

Today the kids and I went on a bike ride...with the new bike Lorie bought me for my college graduation nearly two years ago! As life is with children, one thing after another has gotten in the way of this ride. I became pregnant with Isla fairly soon after graduation, Isla was too small, etc. etc. Now she is one. Yesterday was her birthday. Isla, however, is not a huge fan of the bike helmet. I am going to have to figure out if she needs a smaller one or if I can borrow a bike seat that hooks onto the back of my seat. We actually rode on the side of the street, as opposed to the sidewalks, because I want them to learn the correct and safe way to ride. They did really well and I think they felt pretty proud of themselves. We rode out to Mountain View Park, along Paradise Creek, the red wing blackbirds were singing their songs...and it felt like spring.

I told them they could each have 30 minutes of video games, as it IS spring break, and it is a treat to get to play other then Tuesday and Saturday. I think we will catch the bus to go to the library to exchange some movies when Isla Jane wakes up. Jon is working at the wood shop today and tomorrow and then I am sure he will be getting ready for more work to start up...we hope!

I can't believe Isla is one. She is the apple of all of our eyes...she gives all of us so much joy. I can't explain how many times we are all sitting around her, laughing at her silliness. Jon and I secretly enjoy her 10:30 pm wake up time to nurse because we get to see her one last time before we go to bed. Her blond, blond hair is starting to curl at the nape of her neck. It is hard to believe she is our last baby. What a sweet way to end this part of our lives.

Temptation

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."
~ Alexander Graham Bell

There is nothing I like better then a good quote. A quote that sums up whatever emotion I am feeling and  explains it so much better. Our pastor today spoke about Jesus in the wilderness and about his temptations...the fact that he could have eaten at that moment and satisfied his hunger. But then that would have been the end of the story and that his destiny in life was to do it right. This led into a discussion on our own temptations and she put a spin on it. The temptation to deny the areas in our lives where we can make a sacrifice and make a difference in another persons life. This idea fits nicely into my goal of being more "present" with my children but also, I am finding with other people in my life. Being away from Facebook has forced me to pick up the phone! I can't just scan the news feeder to find out what is going on in my neighbor's life. I might actually have to call them and ask them. It becomes more personal. The 24/7 connection to each other...may not be much of a connection. 

But aside from another connection to my Lenten "sacrifice"...I am taking another look at my desires. And the temptation to stubbornly cling to what we had pictured our lives as. We recently found ourselves wrestling with the desire for employment...well, employment by someone other than ourselves. A lot of this has to do with fear. I know Jon needs help running the business and I am scared. I am scared I will mess up an order or mess up the books. And the responsibility will lie solely with me! Our only training is on-the-job...with five kids relying on us there just aren't room for mistakes. We are afraid there won't be enough work. We are afraid we will run out of money. There is so much we don't control...and I don't believe that simply working hard is enough. You need some good luck in there! Lately, we find ourselves trying to make our own luck.

Because of my childhood and the lack of even basic resources I crave stability. I WANT a steady paycheck and health insurance. I WANT a home that my children can call their home. And damned if I find myself struggling to pay all our bills despite investing in our educations...despite working hard...despite pressing onward. I like the above quote because it reminds me that while so many of those employment doors have shut we have other doors that ARE open. What do you do when those aren't the doors you want? Or that you dreamed of? Or what you planned for? 

NPR last week had Pastor Eugene Peterson, the author of, The Message, translation of the Bible. What he said struck me as he spoke of a span of six years in his life during his 30s when nothing seemed to work out. He said he was striving...yet no doors opened. I feel like this. I feel we are stunted. It feels like failure. We have to quit looking at those closed doors and look at the ones that are available.

Exhausted.

Many times a day I think about the recession and how it has affected us. I mean to write more about this, and I will. But for now, I am leaving it at this. I think there are millions of people like us. Sad. Bewildered. Wondering. What happened to the American Dream? If we work hard we will succeed? And then...what is success. I heard a couple speak on NPR yesterday about a book they wrote regarding their own recession experience, Made for you and me, I think it is called. I think we need to hear the stories of aborted hopes. Thankfully, for most of us this is no Grapes of Wrath, yet. However, I don't rule out the possibility that the greed of a few could still lead us down that path.

What does the loss of hope look like? Exhaustion. Today is one of the better days this week...I finally feel like "talking" about it. We are pulling out of our self induced depression brought on by applying for employment. Trying to find the balance between drive and being content is hard. At what point do you give up on Plan A. and commit to Plan B.?

Grief

I took the children to the Lenten Service at the church we have been attending. It is one way that I am trying to introduce religious practice into their life...I believe that this practice is even more important then my belief or unbelief in dogma. The world is a sad place. It can be overwhelming.

I have given up Facebook for Lent in order to be more present in my own life. Today is the third day I haven't been on...and I don't miss it in general. I am a social person...so have just upped the effort in my everyday life to come into contact with people. We went to the library last night, church the night before. This keeps me around adults when I have five children and Jon is at work. Despite the fact that I really think I have some of the smartest, sweetest and most well behaved children I still need adult conversation! 

Oddly, the thing I miss most about Facebook is the ability to commiserate with others on the state of sadness that pervades our world. I have written I feel things strongly. Listening to NPR yesterday I almost cried when I heard the commentator speaking on Libya interview a reporter saying he had seen bad things but was seeing things he had never seen happen before. His voice was dull and flat, in an attempt to keep his voice steady. Can you feel that pain? Across the world. Two times yesterday NPR hosts cautioned that if you were listening with small children to tune out. I did. And the radio silence was loud. What the fuck is wrong with people that they can massacre people? And that it goes on over and over and over again. And we go on with our lives. I feel powerless. I want to yell out to the world. LOOK! Because so many of us are also overwhelmed we don't want to hear it. So we don't listen. I don't know what to do about this. Does it matter when we hear of grief? Does it matter to know that in Libya a dictator will massacre thousands and torture them? Does it matter that in the Sudan horrific things happen EVERY DAY. And it doesn't even make the news? That Charlie Sheen makes the news?!!? That in Russia journalists are singled out and assassinated.

This morning I heard about Japan. And felt that lump in my throat. We have friends that are from Japan, Kazunori and Eri, who now live in New York. Looking at the map I can't help but think the epicenter is where they are from...where their families live. I wanted to run to Facebook!(the only place I can get in contact with Kazunori) and write him and say, "We are thinking of you!". But I didn't. I came to blog about grief and sadness. And told Jon to do it for me.

For some moments in life there are no words. -David Seltzer, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory