Responsibility

Women living today have a lot to live up to. I am sure the same could be said about men...but I am not one...and this is my blog. I hit a wall last week. Not intellectually, just physically and emotionally. I have had years of poor sleep...I want to sleep through the night and am tired. This makes me grumpy and makes getting to everything I need to get to seem hopeless.

As my children get older I realize the overwhelming responsibility we bear to lead them safely through to adulthood. I think this makes me tired. When they were little adulthood seemed a lifetime away...but then Josiah turned ten. I realized Josiah has one more year of elementary school left and then will be in middle school. What happened? And more importantly...am I ready for the next part of being a parent.

Some things I have realized that will come up soon are:

1) Puberty...enough said.

2) Education. I don't feel that education was considered important in my birth or adoptive families. Looking at the way some in my family have to live is scary to me and places an extra emphasis in my own mind on the need of my children to be not only well educated...but able to make good choices for themselves. To learn from mistakes and to be able to move on. I have come a long way from the days of reading and dreaming of unschooling...perhaps visiting my mother in California a couple of summers ago opened my eyes to what life can be like. I have started to go with my own gut...George W. style. If an educational style sounds too good to be true...it is. Jon and I have discussed how we want to address their education and ways that we can encourage them to excel. I want them to know that the habits they form now will serve them for many years to come...and most importantly I want them to feel success in order to bolster their own belief in themselves and their own capabilities. I am not sure if I know exactly how to approach this because I am sure there is a fine line between being a bitch of a mother and being encouraging. We know of families where education just seems to be expected...how do we do that? To add to this...how do I encourage my daughters who are still young to trust their own intelligence. Growing up I felt stupid. I wasn't good at the things the smart kids were good at so I spent a lot of time feeling insignificant and unable to accomplish my own goals in life. Jon's belief in me enabled me to go on and receive a college degree. Before that point I attended college because I had a vague idea that this would benefit me...but didn't know if I was smart enough. That self defeating talk stunted me for years.

3) Navigating the World. Jon and I watched a show the other night on huffing aerosol cans...like oven cleaner. I was horrified and thought...what the fuck? I am not sure a more vanilla word could explain how appalled I felt to learn that kids do this! I think I may need to make a list titled, "Stupid things not to do", and at the top of the list write, "Huffing". Realizing the boys are getting older and will be moving towards independence scares me. My birth family is a car wreck of bad decisions, heartbreak and alcoholism. I see mental illness...homelessness...and then I look at my children and wonder if that could be in their future.

So what do we do with this list. We map out the way we teach them...we take this seriously...prayers that know no words.

Don't let anyone tell you being a parent is easy.