Holding on lightly

Sometimes you are reminded that when you have a lot, you have a lot to lose. Does that make sense? Every so often I have events in my life that rock my boat just a little too much for my liking. These usually end up being reminders of how little control I or we have in this life, and how scary that can be as a parent. This past year I have seen former high school classmates struggle with a variety of losses...two in particular...one losing a spouse unexpectedly and the other being diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. Oddly enough, I had had a conversation with the one about the other's diagnosis which led us to discuss how fragile human life is...then she lost her husband. It has been strange to think back on our conversation and then realize that that fragility visited her house not long after.

Last summer, Sevrin had really bad stomach pains and many, many symptoms of Crohn's disease. I was terrified. I have two cousins with Crohn's disease and know just how hard it has been for them. I Googled WAY too much and was convinced he had this illness. Even the doctor was concerned and a scope was arranged. Thankfully, he didn't have Crohn's...he had reflux. But the "what ifs" killed me.

So tomorrow my little Iris is having an MRI on her left leg to better diagnose what she has going on there. This time I have managed my fears and except for a brief moment yesterday where I felt I would be sick to my stomach have managed a low grade level of anxiety. Her x-rays on Monday showed some sort of abnormality on her femur...the doctor thinks it is an easily treatable benign tumor called an Osteoid Osteoma...and I hope he is right. I made the mistake of poking around on the internet yesterday and found that it also has similar symptoms to Osteosarcoma. This would be the point where I almost lost my lunch. I know that I probably won't hear something tomorrow...since it is Friday. I know that I have worried myself sick in the past and found nothing or been pleased to have a child diagnosed with a lesser illness.

What if?

I recognize that we don't always get to dodge the bullets of life. I know from experience and from seeing my friend's over the past year that bad things DO happen to good people. No, I don't believe it is God's will...I can imagine nothing crueler then telling a person it is God's will that they have cancer or they have lost a spouse or their child has cancer. Nothing worse then the platitude, "God doesn't give us more then we can handle". Because yes, God or life...or whatever is out there...can throw some speed balls.

So while chances are that Iris will have this benign tumor...it brings pause to me. What if she didn't have a benign tumor? People aren't born able to deal with those things. People talk in glowing terms about how well a person is dealing with x, y, z...they aren't doing well...they are just doing, just being.

Last night, I regretted loving so much a little bit.