Funny story of the day

On the way to go to the boy's portfolio night Jon loaded them up into the Suburban and then went to get into his truck since he had to go to work tonight, despite a raging migraine.

I did feel a little bump, and then Jon came running over. He had leaned the backpack with our  new laptop up against the running board of the Suburban. Yep. I ran over it. Just the corner though, I guess the screen now has a one by one inch of black.

Dishes, I vanquish thee.

I think it has been three or four weeks since my Facebook fast and I LOVE IT. Seriously. I do feel less stressed and I do feel more engaged with my children. I told someone that when I would see the red message notification I think the happy part of my brain lit up. By simply not going there I skip that step...so I don't really miss it. Ah...Heather, you social butterfly you. Because Lent will end at some point I have been thinking about my long term relationship with Facebook and think I may try to ditch it except for the occasional check for baby pictures and news from family and REAL life friends. That means no scrolling to read what classmate I haven't seen since 1995 is eating for breakfast. How will I survive?!? I think I will manage. Plus, I enjoy that people don't know the mundane things I avoid doing all day. Maybe that makes my life look more exciting...you know, the mystery. It will leave people thinking, "Oh yeah, Heather...she must be doing amazing things!"...even if in reality that means keeping caught up on dishes. Oddly, this past week I have just done them. For some people this is not an issue but for me. I don't know what it is. I know my friend Molly understands. Regardless, I am enjoying not having to talk myself into doing them. I like that I have a window over the sink that looks out onto the street. I can spy on the neighbors across the street. This morning I was amused to see some of their friends had had an old, decorated toilet planted in their yard with a sign reading, "Cancer Stinks!". I don't know if they do this everywhere, but in Moscow if you get this in your yard it means you have to PAY them to remove it. That is how they raise money...black mail. Jon just muttered, "I hope they don't put it in our yard". I should have taken a picture of it before it disappeared.

Last night, I took the kids to the science fair where we wandered the aisles of McDonald Elementary School seeing what the other children had done. The boys did a science project on the effects of water temperature on ocean currents. I made the mistake of telling them they could each do their own next year. Uff da. It was fun to go though. We saw Sevrin's favorite teacher, Mrs. Arlint, there with her husband and two children. We also ran into a lot of other people we know from Moscow. Despite feeling antsy at times about being in Moscow, I love the community for my children. No matter what Boise throws at the school district I know that parents and teachers here will band together to provide an excellent teacher for my children. There is no school tomorrow or Friday and tomorrow afternoon we will go to school to see the boy's portfolios. There will be childcare provided, so we can go with each boy individually to see what they have been working on. Very cool.

Have I mentioned what I did last Friday night? Kris Wallace from the MPTC group invited some of us ladies to a Pure Romance party, aka a chance to get out of the house and have drinks and food uninterrupted. I am not going to explain WHAT we passed around...needless to say, there is a lot of variety in the world...if you know what I mean? haha. No, I am not talking about a joint either. haha...just realized that sounded like that too.

Have I mentioned how well Iris is reading and how easily she seems to understand mathematical concepts?  We aren't going for genius here, but I am okay with normal. I struggled so badly in math that I am pretty aggressive about teaching the children foundational math skills to build on. We are so fortunate that none of our children, yet, seem to have any sort of delays. At this moment, at least two of the boys are immersed in books they have checked out from the library. I love that they love to read.

Josiah is going to the Math Circle tomorrow which is put on by the high school math club as well as a professor from UI. Last time they did some crazy challenge where they had to follow the lines of shapes without lifting their pencils. Or something like that. Tomorrow they will be learning some game, Nin or Nim? I think. Depending on the weather I think we will either go on a bike ride or go to the Palouse Discovery Science Center in Pullman.

On another random note, my aunt sent me an email informing me my bio mom is getting some sort of results tomorrow regarding a tumor she has in her throat...or somewhere around there. We are hoping it is benign. The doctor had called my aunt to see if she could be there when my bio mom gets the news, she doesn't think he realizes she lives in Montana.

Apparently, I had a lot of words to get out tonight. Jon should be home in about 15 minutes from work, so hopefully I won't attack him with a slate of words.

Good night world.

I see beautiful people

Do yourself a favor and after reading this blog choose the next blog choice at the top of this page. I don't know if you have to be signed in but it is amazing to see and read the absolute creativity, beauty and humor of humans. I happened upon the blogs of three or four women...interesting women...that took the time to upload pictures of beautiful things and the people they love. A South African transplant in the American Midwest? A woman over 65 years old pointing out that she is a minority as only 26% of people over her age are on-line? She says she loves her life. All at our fingertips.

I feel funny chronicling my own life and throwing it out there into internet space. Especially when I see the beauty and prose that is swirling around me. Proof that we are all connected to one another...the beauty we seek and share with others.

Rainy Tuesday

Jon has a meeting this afternoon and then has work at the university. They are having a safety meeting to remind wood shop employees of ways to minimize the chances of college students cutting off their fingers with band saws. Yes, this almost happened. I think this is going to make for a long afternoon/slash evening and I am not looking forward to it. I even got to lay down and relax some after a very busy morning. I took the girls to the Moscow Food Co-op for Co-op kids, to the Moscow Parent Toddler Co-op field trip at the Appaloosa Museum and then to the 11 o'clock library story time. I printed up pictures to mail to various family members and picked up some groceries from the Co-op. I am caught up on dishes and laundry...and this gray weather now has me a little funktified.

Yawn.

Maybe I will cook up the soba noodles for dinner early. I am sure there is something else I could clean but I just look at the odds and ends stuff piled on top of the freezer and want to ignore it. Hence, there is a pile of odds and ends stuff on the freezer.

I also need to call my bio mom and wish her a happy birthday but imagine I will have to call 5 different numbers before I find the correct nurse to leave the message with since she can't speak on the phone anyway.

Doing something while doing nothing

Today I received a funny call from my bio mom's nurse in California. "She wants you to bring her pajamas and a small radio with ear phones". "Uh, I don't live there, I live in Idaho", I said, "My mom has items at the room and board facility she lives at."

My life is pretty humdrum but sometimes these weird experiences wiggle into my daily existence. I don't know quite what to make of them...they are almost like weeds that just pop up randomly. I told the nurse I would call back but I didn't. I didn't because I am not sure what I am supposed to do. My mom is either not with it because she just had surgery or she is with it but wants me to do something, anything for her. The problem is...I don't know what to do. She has been offered help so many times. And truth be told, I think 99% of the time she doesn't want help, or rather doesn't want the kind of help that would require her to change her behavior. Then again, I am not sure she has the mental capacity to change her behavior. She is mentally ill after all. If you were to speak with her though, she is very sharp mentally. She is shrewd. She is a survivor. She has to have been in order to reach the almost ripe age of 60. I think reaching 60 after having lived the life she has is a testament to the scrapper inside.

That leaves me scratching my head. If it was as simple as saying, "Mom, you need help...you need medication...you need to be honest." Well then, that would be that. Well. Then I wouldn't have been adopted. She wouldn't have lost me. If losing your child isn't enough to shake you awake, then I don't really think anything can or will.

For her family this leaves us in a strange place. You see a family member often homeless or on the verge of homelessness and of course you want to help them. Of course I don't want to think of my mother as homeless. And I think she knows that. This allows her to pluck on our heart strings. Sometimes I feel guilt...and I know I am not alone in this. I am a kind person. I am a giving person. But I also know I wasn't enough. That doesn't hurt me to say. It is just the truth. If I wasn't enough at age 9, I am not going to be enough at age 33.

My heart is hard against her and I think it is for the best.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

I am tired. We just got done with the boys science fair project. It was fun...but of course in the end Jon and I were the ones hurridly cutting, printing and taping small pieces of paper to cardboard. I will admire the science projects that are more well put together then ours but we had fun.

My aunt and uncle had sent us money for our anniversary and said dinner was on them. So we took the kids to Sangria, where they had never been, and they had so much fun! We paired up and shared meals to keep the costs down. Josiah and I shared clam linguine, Jon and Iris had salmon fettucine and Ethan and Sevrin shared Shrimp Scampi. We had two appetizers and drinks as well. We got the bill and we had .25 cents left of the money they gave us...and that is after tip! Yay us! And thank you Aunt Penny and Uncle Steve for a really fun evening out with our kids. We hadn't taken them out for a long while. We have such wonderful kids, I was so proud to take them out and have them be so well behaved and thrilled to be treated.

Conversation

This morning I got caught up with Lorie and my sister Gayle. My poor kids probably wished I would just get off the phone but it is fun to have family. Earlier this week I spoke with my sister-in-law Lindsey and my cousin Steven...I have to say...it makes me smile that I have people that call me. I love to hear what people are up to and I love to share with them stories about the children and what we are up to. It is good to have people to share your life with. People that understand you.

I find it odd that I can count Gayle (yes I know you are reading this!) as one of them. We have had a handful of conversations on the phone...but each time, it feels as if a few more obstacles come down and I am getting to know her. My sister. How comforting to have someone that has had similar experiences to my own and a similar temperament. We are both survivors and I admire her ability to care selflessly for those around her. Seemingly without complaint. It was oddly comforting to tell her about the situation with my birth mother. While Gayle and I don't share mothers, our mothers have some of the same challenges. We both moved from our mothers at the age of 9, her to her grandparents, me to my aunt.

Isn't life weird?

My bio mom, Marilyn, had to have a tracheotomy inserted yesterday. I called her the day before in order to check and make sure her address was the same so that I could send her birthday present. She was already at the hospital, scared and unsure. I hate these situations. Because I am her daughter. I was going to put a qualifier on that. But there isn't one. I am her daughter...even if not legally. Now she is nearly voiceless. Who will be her advocate? Who will clean her trach? This is a result from the fire last fall that resulted in the death of a man that was in  her trailer. The fire inhalation burns damaged her vocal cords, leaving them immobile and putting her at risk of suffocation if she was to contract a respiratory infection. Speaking to her, hearing the whoops of her breath...is or was...uncomfortable. She made it to her primary physician for a regular check up, only to be sent to the hospital...this was how serious her doctor found the situation. A tiny camera inserted into her airway showed the damage and yesterday they set about rectifying the situation with the knowledge that it may result in a tracheotomy. I called this morning and was told by a kind nurse, yes, what you say is true...she did have a tracheotomy.

My mom wrote to me through the nurse, tell her I am doing okay...and that I love her. Sometimes emotion surprises me. Because of my separation I have a disconnect in my heart regarding her.

I had to and I have to.

This is intentional.

That nurse tells me, "She says, 'I love her' ".  I steadied my voice and laughed. "Yes".

I didn't say it back.

What does that make me?

11 years

11 years. Has it been that long? Tomorrow is our eleventh anniversary...and I find myself asking the same question I did last year? How in the world did I get to marry such a wonderful man? I seem to have fallen into the situation...kind of clumsy...kind of Heatherish. I seem to fall into luck a lot in my life. How a girl from a dysfunctional family ended up in my life...mystery personified. For those that know our story, well, it started out pretty unlikely. A relationship that went from 0 to 60...literally. We had never even held hands when we became engaged. No, that wasn't intentional. In reality, we had fallen in love before we knew what hit us. When faced with the possibility of being apart there was only one option. Get married. Now, my only regret is that we didn't flee to Europe for the backpacking trip we had planned. Instead we tried to please 110 different people, tried to prove we were a match, tried to prove we were godly and that made the actual experience of getting married hell. Yep, I said it. The getting married part was the worst part of the past 11 years. If I was given a do over I would elope...somewhere. Is that terrible? Probably.

I have learned a lot the past 11 years. Some of it about myself...a lot about other people and how to let go of expectations. I have learned this...don't expect much. Invest in the people that love you.

Jon on the other hand has exceeded expectation. As he always has. If you know him, you know what I mean. A more honest, hard working, kind person you won't find. He has taught me a lot about unconditional love and patience.

I have always heard people say marriage is hard work. For us, that hasn't really been the case. Maybe it is because we went into it with eyes wide open. Maybe it is hard work...but we don't see it that way. Mostly though, it has been fortuitous that we think so similarly. So here we are 11 years later.

I made a card for him tonight, borrowed Josiah's pastels, and it was fun to make this love note with four children gathered around giving me suggestions and making observations. Thank you Sevrin for pointing out that my heart ended up looking like an octopus so that I could change it to a love tree.

I hope my children all find the kind of partner that I have.

"She Walked"

Since blogging more consistently I have noticed how much walking plays a part of my life. I mean, I knew this before. Some people eat. Some people smoke pot. Some people watch tv.

I walk.

I think my tombstone should read, "She walked".

Lightening

Friendship. I miss it. I miss having good girlfriends I can walk and talk with. It has been many years since I have had a good friend here...with me...in my life. Of course, I have Jon and he is my best friend...but he can't be everything to me. Who wants to be that? We talk about it, Jon and I...how hard it is to find those people you click with...that don't have to struggle to understand what you mean, it goes both ways.

I'm pretty tired today and was yesterday. I think it is the result of a week at home with all five kids and having the youngest half of them sick. So we were home. Stuck. And it feels like that. I dropped a flier off at the Moscow Parent-Toddler Co-op today for the field trip next Tuesday. Jon had Isla at home while I dropped Iris off at preschool. I stayed for 45 minutes without a child. Heavy on the PARENT co-op today. I needed to speak with other women. Don't we all need that? Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? And why do I live so far from the friends I have made as an adult.

Emily, I am talking about you. I was overcome with the urge to call you immediately on the way from preschool. But didn't. I don't want to talk to you on the phone. I want to go on a walk with you, go for coffee, listen to you rant and rave...and then get my turn.

Molly, I am talking about you. From the moment I spied you with that bright red triple stroller I knew we were meant to be friends. And I miss you and your wisdom. You have been instrumental in my own life. I have learned so much from you.

Mary, I am talking about you. I remember the exact moment I met you at library story time in Missoula. We were both rabid for friendship. I saw it in you and your hurried, breathless speech. No one tells us how desperate for adult conversation young children will make us.

Shauna, I am talking about you...even though suddenly I am not sure how to spell your name. How fun it was to find another woman that would share her thoughts passionately. I want to go for a walk with you, through the frats, and be shocked by young men hitting on us despite you having a baby strapped to your chest.

Jennifer, I am talking about you. I don't know when it happened. But we became good friends. I am so thankful for your acceptance of me...just as I am.

I have never been the person to have a lot of close friends. I know a lot of people in passing but always long for real connections. They don't come easy. Perhaps the friends we do make wouldn't be as special if it was easy.

All I know is that I long for those people and those relationships. I mourn them at times. Come over. Lets eat together and go on a walk.

They come as gifts.

Lightening.

Odds and ends

The day after Isla's first birthday she took 3,4,5 steps! We all cheered her on, it was pretty fun to see her tip, tip, tip toeing. Then last night she said, "Dank Doo"...oh so cute! She already says mom and dad...I love seeing her personality come out.

This spring break has been pretty uneventful. Iris has had a sore throat and cold for the past four days. So we haven't really done anything fun since Monday when we went on a bike ride. Isla has a cold now and Ethan has the start of it. Super fun.

I went on a long walk yesterday with Lemon and took her to the dog park. It was fun standing around chatting it up with other dog owners. Then I walked home by Tiempo Commons...I swear...some development looks like it has just been thrown up and left there. Pretty atrocious and I kept think WE could do so much better then that.

Last night I saw that Florida is attempting to deregulate landscape architecture and had a mild heart attack. If Florida does it, maybe Idaho will think that is a good idea. I almost wanted to cry as those tests costs us thousands, are difficult and are one of the only ways we can separate ourselves from landscapers starting out. That is what stops everyone else from calling themselves a landscape architect...and looking at Tiempo Commons who could argue that not everyone is qualified to plan development.

Still watching the news out of Japan, Libya...etc., etc.. The world is a crazy place and I am under no notion that it is crazier now then ever. I think it is magnified when you have children though...sometimes I wonder what kind of world my children will have when they grow up. It makes me sad.

Bush planters

Jon and I used to sing this song we made up whenever we saw someone else disappointed or were disappointed ourselves...even over really trivial things.

"Disappointment...", sung like a dirge is really funny actually.

Jon came home from the wood shop tonight and was disappointed that he hadn't even gotten a phone interview...for NORTH DAKOTA. Note: North Dakota had 100 applicants. Apparently he didn't even make the entry level short list as an RLA! I mean, how many RLAs can be entry level. Is being licensed a blessing or a curse...or does it just not matter?

We are off the applying wagon again. It is too hard to be rejected. Over. And Over. And Over again. I wonder. The more years since graduation do they look at you as none entry level anymore? And then what kind of weird no mans land are you in when it has been 3, 4, 5 years since you have graduated but not been hired? I am taking a new tact...at least for Jon's sake. We will get there...it is just going to be a different path. Those doors(relating to a past blog post) are not open for us, and while frustrating it is counterproductive to dwell on it. Damn it. We are going to be the best bush planters you have ever seen! And we are going to make money at it to boot.

Spring Break

Today the kids and I went on a bike ride...with the new bike Lorie bought me for my college graduation nearly two years ago! As life is with children, one thing after another has gotten in the way of this ride. I became pregnant with Isla fairly soon after graduation, Isla was too small, etc. etc. Now she is one. Yesterday was her birthday. Isla, however, is not a huge fan of the bike helmet. I am going to have to figure out if she needs a smaller one or if I can borrow a bike seat that hooks onto the back of my seat. We actually rode on the side of the street, as opposed to the sidewalks, because I want them to learn the correct and safe way to ride. They did really well and I think they felt pretty proud of themselves. We rode out to Mountain View Park, along Paradise Creek, the red wing blackbirds were singing their songs...and it felt like spring.

I told them they could each have 30 minutes of video games, as it IS spring break, and it is a treat to get to play other then Tuesday and Saturday. I think we will catch the bus to go to the library to exchange some movies when Isla Jane wakes up. Jon is working at the wood shop today and tomorrow and then I am sure he will be getting ready for more work to start up...we hope!

I can't believe Isla is one. She is the apple of all of our eyes...she gives all of us so much joy. I can't explain how many times we are all sitting around her, laughing at her silliness. Jon and I secretly enjoy her 10:30 pm wake up time to nurse because we get to see her one last time before we go to bed. Her blond, blond hair is starting to curl at the nape of her neck. It is hard to believe she is our last baby. What a sweet way to end this part of our lives.

Temptation

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."
~ Alexander Graham Bell

There is nothing I like better then a good quote. A quote that sums up whatever emotion I am feeling and  explains it so much better. Our pastor today spoke about Jesus in the wilderness and about his temptations...the fact that he could have eaten at that moment and satisfied his hunger. But then that would have been the end of the story and that his destiny in life was to do it right. This led into a discussion on our own temptations and she put a spin on it. The temptation to deny the areas in our lives where we can make a sacrifice and make a difference in another persons life. This idea fits nicely into my goal of being more "present" with my children but also, I am finding with other people in my life. Being away from Facebook has forced me to pick up the phone! I can't just scan the news feeder to find out what is going on in my neighbor's life. I might actually have to call them and ask them. It becomes more personal. The 24/7 connection to each other...may not be much of a connection. 

But aside from another connection to my Lenten "sacrifice"...I am taking another look at my desires. And the temptation to stubbornly cling to what we had pictured our lives as. We recently found ourselves wrestling with the desire for employment...well, employment by someone other than ourselves. A lot of this has to do with fear. I know Jon needs help running the business and I am scared. I am scared I will mess up an order or mess up the books. And the responsibility will lie solely with me! Our only training is on-the-job...with five kids relying on us there just aren't room for mistakes. We are afraid there won't be enough work. We are afraid we will run out of money. There is so much we don't control...and I don't believe that simply working hard is enough. You need some good luck in there! Lately, we find ourselves trying to make our own luck.

Because of my childhood and the lack of even basic resources I crave stability. I WANT a steady paycheck and health insurance. I WANT a home that my children can call their home. And damned if I find myself struggling to pay all our bills despite investing in our educations...despite working hard...despite pressing onward. I like the above quote because it reminds me that while so many of those employment doors have shut we have other doors that ARE open. What do you do when those aren't the doors you want? Or that you dreamed of? Or what you planned for? 

NPR last week had Pastor Eugene Peterson, the author of, The Message, translation of the Bible. What he said struck me as he spoke of a span of six years in his life during his 30s when nothing seemed to work out. He said he was striving...yet no doors opened. I feel like this. I feel we are stunted. It feels like failure. We have to quit looking at those closed doors and look at the ones that are available.

Exhausted.

Many times a day I think about the recession and how it has affected us. I mean to write more about this, and I will. But for now, I am leaving it at this. I think there are millions of people like us. Sad. Bewildered. Wondering. What happened to the American Dream? If we work hard we will succeed? And then...what is success. I heard a couple speak on NPR yesterday about a book they wrote regarding their own recession experience, Made for you and me, I think it is called. I think we need to hear the stories of aborted hopes. Thankfully, for most of us this is no Grapes of Wrath, yet. However, I don't rule out the possibility that the greed of a few could still lead us down that path.

What does the loss of hope look like? Exhaustion. Today is one of the better days this week...I finally feel like "talking" about it. We are pulling out of our self induced depression brought on by applying for employment. Trying to find the balance between drive and being content is hard. At what point do you give up on Plan A. and commit to Plan B.?

Grief

I took the children to the Lenten Service at the church we have been attending. It is one way that I am trying to introduce religious practice into their life...I believe that this practice is even more important then my belief or unbelief in dogma. The world is a sad place. It can be overwhelming.

I have given up Facebook for Lent in order to be more present in my own life. Today is the third day I haven't been on...and I don't miss it in general. I am a social person...so have just upped the effort in my everyday life to come into contact with people. We went to the library last night, church the night before. This keeps me around adults when I have five children and Jon is at work. Despite the fact that I really think I have some of the smartest, sweetest and most well behaved children I still need adult conversation! 

Oddly, the thing I miss most about Facebook is the ability to commiserate with others on the state of sadness that pervades our world. I have written I feel things strongly. Listening to NPR yesterday I almost cried when I heard the commentator speaking on Libya interview a reporter saying he had seen bad things but was seeing things he had never seen happen before. His voice was dull and flat, in an attempt to keep his voice steady. Can you feel that pain? Across the world. Two times yesterday NPR hosts cautioned that if you were listening with small children to tune out. I did. And the radio silence was loud. What the fuck is wrong with people that they can massacre people? And that it goes on over and over and over again. And we go on with our lives. I feel powerless. I want to yell out to the world. LOOK! Because so many of us are also overwhelmed we don't want to hear it. So we don't listen. I don't know what to do about this. Does it matter when we hear of grief? Does it matter to know that in Libya a dictator will massacre thousands and torture them? Does it matter that in the Sudan horrific things happen EVERY DAY. And it doesn't even make the news? That Charlie Sheen makes the news?!!? That in Russia journalists are singled out and assassinated.

This morning I heard about Japan. And felt that lump in my throat. We have friends that are from Japan, Kazunori and Eri, who now live in New York. Looking at the map I can't help but think the epicenter is where they are from...where their families live. I wanted to run to Facebook!(the only place I can get in contact with Kazunori) and write him and say, "We are thinking of you!". But I didn't. I came to blog about grief and sadness. And told Jon to do it for me.

For some moments in life there are no words. -David Seltzer, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory