Conversation

This morning I got caught up with Lorie and my sister Gayle. My poor kids probably wished I would just get off the phone but it is fun to have family. Earlier this week I spoke with my sister-in-law Lindsey and my cousin Steven...I have to say...it makes me smile that I have people that call me. I love to hear what people are up to and I love to share with them stories about the children and what we are up to. It is good to have people to share your life with. People that understand you.

I find it odd that I can count Gayle (yes I know you are reading this!) as one of them. We have had a handful of conversations on the phone...but each time, it feels as if a few more obstacles come down and I am getting to know her. My sister. How comforting to have someone that has had similar experiences to my own and a similar temperament. We are both survivors and I admire her ability to care selflessly for those around her. Seemingly without complaint. It was oddly comforting to tell her about the situation with my birth mother. While Gayle and I don't share mothers, our mothers have some of the same challenges. We both moved from our mothers at the age of 9, her to her grandparents, me to my aunt.

Isn't life weird?

My bio mom, Marilyn, had to have a tracheotomy inserted yesterday. I called her the day before in order to check and make sure her address was the same so that I could send her birthday present. She was already at the hospital, scared and unsure. I hate these situations. Because I am her daughter. I was going to put a qualifier on that. But there isn't one. I am her daughter...even if not legally. Now she is nearly voiceless. Who will be her advocate? Who will clean her trach? This is a result from the fire last fall that resulted in the death of a man that was in  her trailer. The fire inhalation burns damaged her vocal cords, leaving them immobile and putting her at risk of suffocation if she was to contract a respiratory infection. Speaking to her, hearing the whoops of her breath...is or was...uncomfortable. She made it to her primary physician for a regular check up, only to be sent to the hospital...this was how serious her doctor found the situation. A tiny camera inserted into her airway showed the damage and yesterday they set about rectifying the situation with the knowledge that it may result in a tracheotomy. I called this morning and was told by a kind nurse, yes, what you say is true...she did have a tracheotomy.

My mom wrote to me through the nurse, tell her I am doing okay...and that I love her. Sometimes emotion surprises me. Because of my separation I have a disconnect in my heart regarding her.

I had to and I have to.

This is intentional.

That nurse tells me, "She says, 'I love her' ".  I steadied my voice and laughed. "Yes".

I didn't say it back.

What does that make me?