Doing something while doing nothing

Today I received a funny call from my bio mom's nurse in California. "She wants you to bring her pajamas and a small radio with ear phones". "Uh, I don't live there, I live in Idaho", I said, "My mom has items at the room and board facility she lives at."

My life is pretty humdrum but sometimes these weird experiences wiggle into my daily existence. I don't know quite what to make of them...they are almost like weeds that just pop up randomly. I told the nurse I would call back but I didn't. I didn't because I am not sure what I am supposed to do. My mom is either not with it because she just had surgery or she is with it but wants me to do something, anything for her. The problem is...I don't know what to do. She has been offered help so many times. And truth be told, I think 99% of the time she doesn't want help, or rather doesn't want the kind of help that would require her to change her behavior. Then again, I am not sure she has the mental capacity to change her behavior. She is mentally ill after all. If you were to speak with her though, she is very sharp mentally. She is shrewd. She is a survivor. She has to have been in order to reach the almost ripe age of 60. I think reaching 60 after having lived the life she has is a testament to the scrapper inside.

That leaves me scratching my head. If it was as simple as saying, "Mom, you need help...you need medication...you need to be honest." Well then, that would be that. Well. Then I wouldn't have been adopted. She wouldn't have lost me. If losing your child isn't enough to shake you awake, then I don't really think anything can or will.

For her family this leaves us in a strange place. You see a family member often homeless or on the verge of homelessness and of course you want to help them. Of course I don't want to think of my mother as homeless. And I think she knows that. This allows her to pluck on our heart strings. Sometimes I feel guilt...and I know I am not alone in this. I am a kind person. I am a giving person. But I also know I wasn't enough. That doesn't hurt me to say. It is just the truth. If I wasn't enough at age 9, I am not going to be enough at age 33.

My heart is hard against her and I think it is for the best.